This Week's Edition of "You Can't Fix Stupid....."

From this week's police blotter. Wonder what it would be like to live somewhere where there was really some ... news?

• Two teenagers were arrested after an officer discovered the pair having sex in a vehicle. The incident occurred in the parking lot of ________ High School during the school day. The officer was patrolling the parking lot when he noticed the two students having sex in the front seat of a Ford Explorer. The officer discovered both subjects "exposing sexual organs." [Isn't that sort of a requirement?] The male was reportedly nude from the waist down and the female was completely unclothed. The officer noticed an open condom wrapper on the console of the vehicle.

Thank God for that.

• A woman reported that the ex-girlfriend of her boyfriend had posted derogatory comments about her on Facebook.

They allow middle school students to file police reports on their own?

• A man's iPhone was stolen after he left it on the couch while he went to the store. Three other people in the house denied taking the phone and said they had not seen it.

Yet another incident that happens in my house frequently. We have yet to file a police report about it.

• A man reported seeing a green Dodge pickup bearing the letters "SRS" and the words "US DOT" [come on, are those really words?] parked on the side of the road. The man believed the driver was behaving suspiciously.

Why, did he appear to be WORKING or something?

• A man said he forgot he left between $7,000 and $10,000 under the seat of a friend's truck. The friend claims he mailed the money back to the man, but the man said he has yet to receive it.

Stupid, stupider, and stupidest.

• Nursing home staff discovered a 95-year-old woman dead in her room. No foul play is suspected.

Come on. Seriously? I would never make fun of the death of an old person, but.... Okay, yes I would. But I'm not making fun of her death. Did this really warrant an entry in the police blotter? Is this the FIRST time a 95-year-old person has EVER been found in his or her bed dead in a nursing home? Seriously?

• A woman called police after someone drew an obscene picture in the dust on her vehicle. The woman suspects one of her son's stepsons may be responsible for drawing a picture of a penis on the car.

Here's some out-of-the-box thinking: Why don't you just run it through the car wash? They have a ladies' special on Wednesdays down at that spiffy new car wash on the main drag.

• A man called police after a dispute with his live-in girlfriend. The man said his girlfriend was angry that he was late getting home and had forced him to sleep on the couch. The man said he was awakened by the woman yelling at him and insisting that she was taking his car when she moved out.

At what point did her actions become criminal?

• A woman, Snow White, informed officers that her boxer puppy Wauka had been missing for three days. She said the dog was inside the residence of Prince Charming. When officers asked Charming if the dog was his, he insisted it was. He said a woman had given him the dog two months earlier. Police made contact with the woman, who subsequently denied giving Charming a dog. When police confronted Charming again, he admitted that he had lied, saying he felt sorry for the dog. Charming was cited for interference with a police officer and the dog was returned to White. Central dispatch then notified the officers that White had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear. She was arrested and transported to the _________ County Detention Center. Wauka's current location is unknown.

I don't know why, but that last sentence is the one that did it for me. I laugh every time I read it. He was perfectly fine with Prince Charming, and now that Snow White is in jail, Wauka may be HOMELESS!

• According to a police report, a man and his wife have been separated for several months. On March 15, the man brought flowers to his estranged wife and asked if they could discuss some of their problems. During the two hour long conversation, the wife revealed that she had slept with another man. At that point, her husband became "uncontrollably upset." The man walked out the door and before leaving the residence, the husband smashed every window in his wife's vehicle.

But did she get to keep the flowers?

• When an officer approached a car, he noticed an odor of marijuana in the vehicle and saw a marijuana stem and pieces of marijuana on a man's lap. He admitted rolling a blunt [is that even a technical term a newspaper should use?] and smoking marijuana. The man's infant daughter and the child's mother were also inside the vehicle. When asked if he normally rolled drugs in front of his child, the man said he did not. [Special occasion?] He was arrested for possession of less than one ounce. After being arrested, he advised the officer that once he got out of jail, he was "moving to Mexico where marijuana was legal."

Well, that'll show 'em.

• A woman called police after receiving a picture on her cell phone which she said she did not like. The photo, a picture of a penis with a lock passing through it, was captioned "New birth control for men who refuse to pay child support." The officer noticed that the message had been forwarded numerous times and appeared to be a chain message passed on by several people. The woman disagreed and said it was sent from someone using her granddaughter's phone. The officer said that he would file a report documenting her concern.

If we can file police reports for every forwarded message we get that we don't like, my cousin is in serious trouble.

There was one additional story that I wanted to include, but it was so convoluted and confusing that even if I DID include the real names and locations, you would claw your eyes out after reading it. That's where I'm headed now.