Thursday, March 4, 2010

More Police Blotter Excitement....

It's Thursday, the day our newest (and crappiest) local newspaper comes in the mail. Seriously, it comes IN THE MAIL. This may turn out to be a regular feature on my blog, just like Sunday Randomness.

A couple of these stories are kind of long. Bear with me.

"Sally Jo Smith" was arrested after she drove to a bar with her boyfriend to pick up her car. Her boyfriend, who had reportedly been drinking for three days straight, fell when he exited the vehicle, prompting a call to ________ County Emergency Services. The deputy who was dispatched to the scene discovered that "Smith" had been driving in violation of her limited DUI permit and placed her under arrest. Smith's daughter-in-law later called the boyfriend seeking help in making Smith's bail. The boyfriend's wife answered the phone and was upset that the daughter-in-law had called requesting help. [Ya THINK?] The wife said Smith should stay away from her husband and that he was not going to get her out of jail. The daughter-in-law later received a call from the wife of Smith's boyfriend which she interpreted as a threat against her family. After making bail, Smith and her daughter-in-law met with the boyfriend's wife at a _____ restaurant. Smith said the wife and wife's sister threatened her, but did not attack her. After the confrontation, Smith said she received numerous phone calls from her boyfriend's wife. In one of the calls, the wife threatened to come to Smith's home and "stomp a mudhole in her [expletive]."

The case remains under investigation.

Why? It can only get uglier.....

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Against her better judgment, a _______ woman left an acquaintance alone in her home, only to later discover that the female had stolen jewelry and other personal belongings. The victim said she met the woman known as "Irene Goodnight" [names have been changed to protect the stupid] through some mutual friends. Goodnight called early one morning to ask if the victim would pick her up from a location on ________ Road. Goodnight then asked if she could stay at the victim's residence until a friend could come get her. The victim said she was reluctant to leave Goodnight in the house alone but had to leave for work and was assured by a friend that Goodnight was "harmless." When the victim returned home from work, she discovered cabinets and drawers throughout the house had been opened and left in disarray. The victim then noticed that $4,100 worth of jewelry was missing. According to the victim, Goodnight left her purse in one of the bedrooms. [If you're a thief, aren't you supposed to TAKE purses? I'm just sayin'....] The victim said she found her watch, a pair of earrings, and her son's prescription medication inside the purse. The victim called Goodnight and demanded that she return to the residence with the rest of her missing jewelry. Goodnight returned a short while later but maintained her innocence. She reportedly told the victim, "If I did take the jewelry, I don't remember." When the victim informed Goodnight that she intended to call 911, Goodnight begged the victim to give her two hours to go to [a nearby town] and retrieve the jewelry. After Jones left, the victim found a bond agreement in the purse with what may be Goodnight's real name.

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Verbal domestic dispute on _____ _____ Street. A man and woman argued over where to eat. The man said he was angry because he did not want to make the decision by himself.

[This could very well be Hubby and me. Upon reading this blotter item, we agreed that from now on, we will take turns choosing a restaurant.]

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A ______ man was recently arrested for DUI after he drove his truck off the road, overcorrected and then plummeted down an embankment, causing the vehicle to flip. A deputy found Otis Spunkmeyer walking away from the scene of the accident. When asked what happened, Spunkmeyer said he "just lost control of the vehicle." After noticing a strong odor of alcoholic beverage, the deputy asked Spunkmeyer how much alcohol he had consumed. Spunkmeyer pointed to his overturned truck and replied, "Too much to drive that." Spunkmeyer was arrested for DUI. On the way to the jail, he urinated and defecated on himself. When the deputy asked why he did that, Spunkmeyer replied, "Sometimes you just got to go."

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Alfred Hitchcock was stopped after a deputy clocked Hitchcock's Mercedes traveling 51 mph in a 35 mph zone. Upon speaking with Hitchcock, the deputy noticed a strong odor of alcoholic beverage. Hitchcock admitted having "a few beers." When asked to undergo field sobriety testing, Hitchcock declined, saying, "It's too cold. I don't think so." He was arrested and charged with DUI.

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William Shakespeare was traveling on Hwy. ____ when he ran off the road into a ditch. The responding deputy noticed an odor of alcoholic beverage and asked Willie Boy how much alcohol he had consumed. Shakespeare admitted having a few sips of one beer and said that he was just going to Wally World to buy some cigarettes. Upon further questioning, Shakespeare also admitted taking two Xanax and one Lortab. He was arrested for DUI.

But that's not what they freakin' ASKED him, okay?

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Tune in next Thursday for another exciting edition of "Life in a Small Town in Georgia, Where the Worse the Economy Gets, the Stupider the People Act."

1 comment:

Julie said...

Wow! Why would you need daytime TV when you have the local paper arriving in the mail? LOL