This Week's Edition of "You Can't Fix Stupid....."

From this week's police blotter. Wonder what it would be like to live somewhere where there was really some ... news?

• Two teenagers were arrested after an officer discovered the pair having sex in a vehicle. The incident occurred in the parking lot of ________ High School during the school day. The officer was patrolling the parking lot when he noticed the two students having sex in the front seat of a Ford Explorer. The officer discovered both subjects "exposing sexual organs." [Isn't that sort of a requirement?] The male was reportedly nude from the waist down and the female was completely unclothed. The officer noticed an open condom wrapper on the console of the vehicle.

Thank God for that.

• A woman reported that the ex-girlfriend of her boyfriend had posted derogatory comments about her on Facebook.

They allow middle school students to file police reports on their own?

• A man's iPhone was stolen after he left it on the couch while he went to the store. Three other people in the house denied taking the phone and said they had not seen it.

Yet another incident that happens in my house frequently. We have yet to file a police report about it.

• A man reported seeing a green Dodge pickup bearing the letters "SRS" and the words "US DOT" [come on, are those really words?] parked on the side of the road. The man believed the driver was behaving suspiciously.

Why, did he appear to be WORKING or something?

• A man said he forgot he left between $7,000 and $10,000 under the seat of a friend's truck. The friend claims he mailed the money back to the man, but the man said he has yet to receive it.

Stupid, stupider, and stupidest.

• Nursing home staff discovered a 95-year-old woman dead in her room. No foul play is suspected.

Come on. Seriously? I would never make fun of the death of an old person, but.... Okay, yes I would. But I'm not making fun of her death. Did this really warrant an entry in the police blotter? Is this the FIRST time a 95-year-old person has EVER been found in his or her bed dead in a nursing home? Seriously?

• A woman called police after someone drew an obscene picture in the dust on her vehicle. The woman suspects one of her son's stepsons may be responsible for drawing a picture of a penis on the car.

Here's some out-of-the-box thinking: Why don't you just run it through the car wash? They have a ladies' special on Wednesdays down at that spiffy new car wash on the main drag.

• A man called police after a dispute with his live-in girlfriend. The man said his girlfriend was angry that he was late getting home and had forced him to sleep on the couch. The man said he was awakened by the woman yelling at him and insisting that she was taking his car when she moved out.

At what point did her actions become criminal?

• A woman, Snow White, informed officers that her boxer puppy Wauka had been missing for three days. She said the dog was inside the residence of Prince Charming. When officers asked Charming if the dog was his, he insisted it was. He said a woman had given him the dog two months earlier. Police made contact with the woman, who subsequently denied giving Charming a dog. When police confronted Charming again, he admitted that he had lied, saying he felt sorry for the dog. Charming was cited for interference with a police officer and the dog was returned to White. Central dispatch then notified the officers that White had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear. She was arrested and transported to the _________ County Detention Center. Wauka's current location is unknown.

I don't know why, but that last sentence is the one that did it for me. I laugh every time I read it. He was perfectly fine with Prince Charming, and now that Snow White is in jail, Wauka may be HOMELESS!

• According to a police report, a man and his wife have been separated for several months. On March 15, the man brought flowers to his estranged wife and asked if they could discuss some of their problems. During the two hour long conversation, the wife revealed that she had slept with another man. At that point, her husband became "uncontrollably upset." The man walked out the door and before leaving the residence, the husband smashed every window in his wife's vehicle.

But did she get to keep the flowers?

• When an officer approached a car, he noticed an odor of marijuana in the vehicle and saw a marijuana stem and pieces of marijuana on a man's lap. He admitted rolling a blunt [is that even a technical term a newspaper should use?] and smoking marijuana. The man's infant daughter and the child's mother were also inside the vehicle. When asked if he normally rolled drugs in front of his child, the man said he did not. [Special occasion?] He was arrested for possession of less than one ounce. After being arrested, he advised the officer that once he got out of jail, he was "moving to Mexico where marijuana was legal."

Well, that'll show 'em.

• A woman called police after receiving a picture on her cell phone which she said she did not like. The photo, a picture of a penis with a lock passing through it, was captioned "New birth control for men who refuse to pay child support." The officer noticed that the message had been forwarded numerous times and appeared to be a chain message passed on by several people. The woman disagreed and said it was sent from someone using her granddaughter's phone. The officer said that he would file a report documenting her concern.

If we can file police reports for every forwarded message we get that we don't like, my cousin is in serious trouble.

There was one additional story that I wanted to include, but it was so convoluted and confusing that even if I DID include the real names and locations, you would claw your eyes out after reading it. That's where I'm headed now.

More Police Blotter Excitement....

It's Thursday, the day our newest (and crappiest) local newspaper comes in the mail. Seriously, it comes IN THE MAIL. This may turn out to be a regular feature on my blog, just like Sunday Randomness.

A couple of these stories are kind of long. Bear with me.

"Sally Jo Smith" was arrested after she drove to a bar with her boyfriend to pick up her car. Her boyfriend, who had reportedly been drinking for three days straight, fell when he exited the vehicle, prompting a call to ________ County Emergency Services. The deputy who was dispatched to the scene discovered that "Smith" had been driving in violation of her limited DUI permit and placed her under arrest. Smith's daughter-in-law later called the boyfriend seeking help in making Smith's bail. The boyfriend's wife answered the phone and was upset that the daughter-in-law had called requesting help. [Ya THINK?] The wife said Smith should stay away from her husband and that he was not going to get her out of jail. The daughter-in-law later received a call from the wife of Smith's boyfriend which she interpreted as a threat against her family. After making bail, Smith and her daughter-in-law met with the boyfriend's wife at a _____ restaurant. Smith said the wife and wife's sister threatened her, but did not attack her. After the confrontation, Smith said she received numerous phone calls from her boyfriend's wife. In one of the calls, the wife threatened to come to Smith's home and "stomp a mudhole in her [expletive]."

The case remains under investigation.

Why? It can only get uglier.....

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Against her better judgment, a _______ woman left an acquaintance alone in her home, only to later discover that the female had stolen jewelry and other personal belongings. The victim said she met the woman known as "Irene Goodnight" [names have been changed to protect the stupid] through some mutual friends. Goodnight called early one morning to ask if the victim would pick her up from a location on ________ Road. Goodnight then asked if she could stay at the victim's residence until a friend could come get her. The victim said she was reluctant to leave Goodnight in the house alone but had to leave for work and was assured by a friend that Goodnight was "harmless." When the victim returned home from work, she discovered cabinets and drawers throughout the house had been opened and left in disarray. The victim then noticed that $4,100 worth of jewelry was missing. According to the victim, Goodnight left her purse in one of the bedrooms. [If you're a thief, aren't you supposed to TAKE purses? I'm just sayin'....] The victim said she found her watch, a pair of earrings, and her son's prescription medication inside the purse. The victim called Goodnight and demanded that she return to the residence with the rest of her missing jewelry. Goodnight returned a short while later but maintained her innocence. She reportedly told the victim, "If I did take the jewelry, I don't remember." When the victim informed Goodnight that she intended to call 911, Goodnight begged the victim to give her two hours to go to [a nearby town] and retrieve the jewelry. After Jones left, the victim found a bond agreement in the purse with what may be Goodnight's real name.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Verbal domestic dispute on _____ _____ Street. A man and woman argued over where to eat. The man said he was angry because he did not want to make the decision by himself.

[This could very well be Hubby and me. Upon reading this blotter item, we agreed that from now on, we will take turns choosing a restaurant.]

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A ______ man was recently arrested for DUI after he drove his truck off the road, overcorrected and then plummeted down an embankment, causing the vehicle to flip. A deputy found Otis Spunkmeyer walking away from the scene of the accident. When asked what happened, Spunkmeyer said he "just lost control of the vehicle." After noticing a strong odor of alcoholic beverage, the deputy asked Spunkmeyer how much alcohol he had consumed. Spunkmeyer pointed to his overturned truck and replied, "Too much to drive that." Spunkmeyer was arrested for DUI. On the way to the jail, he urinated and defecated on himself. When the deputy asked why he did that, Spunkmeyer replied, "Sometimes you just got to go."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Alfred Hitchcock was stopped after a deputy clocked Hitchcock's Mercedes traveling 51 mph in a 35 mph zone. Upon speaking with Hitchcock, the deputy noticed a strong odor of alcoholic beverage. Hitchcock admitted having "a few beers." When asked to undergo field sobriety testing, Hitchcock declined, saying, "It's too cold. I don't think so." He was arrested and charged with DUI.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

William Shakespeare was traveling on Hwy. ____ when he ran off the road into a ditch. The responding deputy noticed an odor of alcoholic beverage and asked Willie Boy how much alcohol he had consumed. Shakespeare admitted having a few sips of one beer and said that he was just going to Wally World to buy some cigarettes. Upon further questioning, Shakespeare also admitted taking two Xanax and one Lortab. He was arrested for DUI.

But that's not what they freakin' ASKED him, okay?

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Tune in next Thursday for another exciting edition of "Life in a Small Town in Georgia, Where the Worse the Economy Gets, the Stupider the People Act."

OverSTEPping the Boundaries.....

I was slightly bothered by a newspaper article in our local paper today about the controversy surrounding a recent step team competition in Atlanta.

If you're not familiar with stepping, the routines are comprised of intricately choreographed foot stamping and hand clapping, inspired by cultural dances in Africa.

The uproar surrounds the fact that the University of Arkansas' ZTA sorority group won the competition, and they are .... um..... white. The debate is over whether "the integration of a once-ethnically exclusive activity constitutes a form of cultural theft." I don't think we want to go down the road of what defines a culture and what might be considered cultural theft. I could write an entire blog post on that topic, but it might be dangerous.

I am far from being a racist, but (and?) I am offended by the suggestion that any activity should be limited to any ethnic group. I'm not talking about the Russian ice dancers misrepresenting the Aborigines culture at the Olympics, I'm talking about whether or not a group of white sorority girls should be allowed to come up with their own (apparently awesome) step routines and win a contest that has historically been associated with African Americans.

The article says there was supposition that the judges, awed by the unlikely white competitors, may have been "wowed" by them and inflated their scores.

Come on. They were "wowed" just because they were white?

Or perhaps were they "wowed" because the girls were that good?

Here is a clip of part of the routine.




The article goes on to say that the sponsor, a major soft drink company that is NOT Pepsi, later announced that there were "scoring discrepancies" and awarded the second place team (of African American steppers) an equal amount of scholarship money as the winning team.

Naturally the video itself has generated a ton of controversy on YouTube.

To be fair, I haven't watched clips of any of the other teams, so I can't objectively compare their performances. But they look pretty darn good to my (admittedly unlearned) eye.

They were judged, though. I'm guessing by a PANEL of judges, not just one.

I have to wonder....

What race/ethnicity were the judges?

Police Blotter......

I'm sure ours is not the ONLY small town in America with its share of humorous arrest stories in the local newspaper. It's possible that I'm deriving a lot of pleasure from today's edition because these are the same jerks journalists who published my salary last month, along with the implication that I'm making way more money than I deserve.

I offer for your reading pleasure a few excerpts from today's paper. You may consider yourself lucky that this paper comes out only once a week.

"Deputies were dispatched to a West ______ Industrial Park business after two brothers engaged in a physical confrontation. The brothers, who are co-owners of a business, were reportedly arguing about money and the business when one of the brothers made a rude comment about the other's wife. The brother whose wife was insulted claimed his brother rushed at him and threw a table at him. The other brother claimed he was the victim and that the table broke while he was defending himself against his brother. due to the conflicting stories, the deputy was unable to determine which brother was the primary aggressor. The deputy wrote, 'I mediated the brothers and advised them of the proper way to behave as adults.'"


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"Financial identity fraud [was investigated] on ______ _______ Drive. A woman accused her daughter of forging over $107,000 in company checks. The daughter allegedly committed the forgeries with the full knowledge of her step-father who is now divorced from her mother and romantically involved with her."

Now THERE'S a class act.

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Cattle theft on ______ Road. Five calves valued at $2,500 were reported stolen.


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Motor vehicle theft on ________ ______ Road. A woman said her friend borrowed her 1996 Ford Ranger truck to visit his son in ________. Days later, the woman learned that the man had taken the truck to Miami, Fla. and did not plan to return it.


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Complaint on ______ Road. A woman arrived home to find a wild rabbit being chased by dogs running across her yard. Several shots were then fired in the wooded area behind her home. The woman said she had not authorized any hunting on her property.


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Complaint on _____ ______ Road. An intoxicated woman dialed 911 because her son and his girlfriend were arguing.


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An _______ man called police after his soon to be ex-wife threatened to "kick his ass." The threat came on the heels of a Feb. 10 argument in which the man learned that the two-year-old girl he had been raising as his own was not his child.


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Complaint on _____ _____ Road. A wife walked into a bar and threw two bags of medication at her husband. The bar employees reported the incident after the wife yelled at them for serving alcohol to her husband.


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Complaint on ______ Drive. A woman claimed her neighbor does not like her children and swears at them when she sees them.


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Domestic dispute on _______ Avenue. A husband was concerned that his wife was taking her medication while drinking beer.


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Damage to property on ________ Church Road. A homeowner reported that several loose cows had damaged her newly landscaped lawn.


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Harassing phone call on _____ _____ Road. An unidentified caller accused the complainant's son of being a derogatory term just like his one-eyed father.


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And it's not even the weekend yet!