Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Thanks for Adding Insult to Injury.........

As I approached my 50th birthday, I fully expected the AARP notices to arrive. They weren't a surprise at all. In fact, they were a welcome bit of frivolity in an otherwise stressful week. I was tempted to join just for the discounts I can get on hotel travel. You know, for the dozens of times handful of times twice a year I go out of town and stay in a hotel. Instead I threw the membership card in the trash. But I wasn't insulted to get it. It's a rite of passage for those turning 50.

Today's notice was not from the AARP. It was an official-looking document with these words in bold: OPEN IMMEDIATELY - DO NOT DELAY. In smaller print, the words "Important Non-Government Document Enclosed....." appeared. And right above my name and address, the words UNITED STATES MAIL RECIPIENT.

Although it clearly said "Non-Government Document," it was designed to look just like an official government document. Along with the instructions to "Slide finger under this edge" to open the document.

Well duh.

How else would one go about opening a folded document?

Inside, these welcome (not) words at the top:

Funeral Advantage Program Assists Seniors

The flyer went on to tell me that I MAY qualify for the Funeral Advantage Program that will pay my family $20,000 in the event of my death. I'm supposed to send in the postage-paid card to see if I qualify. If I don't send it in, I might already be dead, and therefore I wouldn't qualify. 

Even if I didn't already have life insurance, I wouldn't buy anything from this company. Beside the little graphic that I guess is supposed to represent a booklet I will receive if I send in my card (but only within the next 15 days, because after that I might be dead) were these words: MAIL TODAY TO ALSO RECEIVE THIS VALUABLE PLANNING HELP.

Let's say I didn't have life insurance. Just for fun, say I wanted my family to have $20,000 with which to party after I'm gone. I still wouldn't buy anything from a company that would carelessly split an infinitive in their advertising.

Grammar snob to the bitter end.

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