Part-Time Grammar Snob....

I know I've mentioned several (a gazillion?) times on this blog that I am a self-professed grammar snob. I don't know what caused it, but I realize it started very early in my life. My step-father had the idea one time to have a "grammar jar," and every time someone caught someone else in the family in a grammatical error, the offender had to put a nickel in the jar. (Why isn't that word spelled "nickle"? Like "tickle"?) After about a week, he muttered something about me and/or my mouth, and he threw the jar out in the yard. When Mama and I went to church when I was a teenager, every time the (sort of country) preacher made a grammatical error, Mama and I would make eye contact, even if we were sitting all the way across the church from each other. Sigh. I realize that's a very un-Christian thing to do.

However, I would like to reassure my readers that I do NOT scour your comments looking for errors. I don't make corrections in emails and send them back. I don't correct spelling in text messages. (Well, occasionally from Sweet Girl, but she expects it.)

Hubby has some of the worst grammar you might ever hear from someone who is otherwise pretty intelligent. I suspect he knows better, but he has grown up saying, "I seen so-and-so yesterday..." and "You better believe he done it..." My mother considers it a horrible character flaw that I DON'T correct Hubby. I guess she thinks if the preacher was fair game, husbands should be too.

I do often make sarcastic remarks about spelling or grammar errors I see in print or on websites, because it is my opinion that those should be held to a higher standard than personal blogs and emails. There is a huge billboard along I-75 in South Georgia proclaiming that everyone should come to such-and-such a town "because of it's Southern charm." Egads! How many people did that advertisement have to go through for approval, and how much money did they spend on it, to have an egregious punctuation error in it? It's THAT kind of thing that bothers me, not the occasional misspelled word or punctuation error in personal emails or blogs or comments.

I was on the website for one of my favorite bicycle rides a couple of weeks ago, and I noticed the "it's" thing on their website too. Because the cycling association is in the county in which I grew up, I emailed someone and apologized for pointing out the error, but maybe they might want to fix that? The guy emailed me RIGHT BACK, I'm talking within 5 minutes, and thanked me for the message. Said he usually caught that kind of thing, and he would send it on to the proper person.

It still isn't fixed. I just checked. And I'm withholding my registration for that ride until they do.

NOT REALLY! I'll send in my registration at the end of the week. Because I'm pretty sure the website isn't going to fixed at this point. And I'll just have to get over it.

So please don't be afraid to leave me a comment or send me an email just because you're afraid you might make a mistake.

I don't judge my friends.

Dear Reader's Digest Lady.....

Dear Reader's Digest Lady also known as Katharine Bass,

To start off with, shouldn't it be Readers' Digest? With the apostrophe after the "s"? Or do you only HAVE one reader? Just curious.

When I got your little note about renewing my subscription, I almost didn't open it at all. Mainly because I start getting those cute little reminders about two and a half years before my subscription is due to expire. Are y'all really that desperate for money? If so, how can you possibly afford to give me a 74% discount? Just charge me full price; I probably won't know the difference.

But I DID open your letter, and when I realized the expiration date was just three months away instead of the usual three years, I was prepared to write a check and put it in the mail. Especially when I noticed that the yearly rate is only $10.00!!! That's a savings of 74% off the cover price!!!

Then I made the mistake of reading the P.S. after your letter.

As a grammar snob and self-proclaimed writing expert, first of all I have a little trouble with the whole concept of P.S. If it's important enough to say, shouldn't it be included in the BODY of the letter? I can understand back in the days of writing letters by hand that occasionally one might suddenly remember a pithy saying or an important detail and feel obligated to tack it on at the end, after the signature is in place. Nowadays, though, that practice is a wee bit antiquated, wouldn't you say? If you remember something you should have said but neglected to, can't you put your little cursor up there and insert the comment? You can even make it bold, put it in italics, make it both bold AND italics, underline it, or make it a different color, for crying out loud. The P.S. is dead in the computer age.

Your P.S. requested that if for some far-fetched reason my failure to renew my subscription was a conscious decision rather than a simple oversight, you would like to know about it. To quote your P.S.: "Feel free to write me!"

Oh Katharine.

There's a problem with that sentence construction. I can call you, I can email you, but I can't write you. Unless I write "you," which would make no sense out of the context of this particular blog post.

The verb "write" typically calls for a direct object. Write a will, write a letter, write a check (yes, I remember it's only $10, and I'm still debating), write a blog post, write it off.

The verb "write" is also one of a select group of verbs that will also allow for an indirect object. By definition, though, a sentence cannot have an indirect object unless it also has a direct object, and the indirect object must come BEFORE the direct object.

I can write Katharine a letter, write the Reader's Digest a check (yes, I remember it's only $10, and I'm still debating), write my husband a note.

But in the sentence "Feel free to write me!" (I feel almost the same way about exclamation points as I do about P.S., by the way), there is no direct object. There is nothing that I should WRITE. There is no place in our syntax for the direct object to be understood, even though the "me" in that sentence is clearly intended to be an indirect object, the receiver of whatever the direct object might be.

You might even have avoided the entire direct object/indirect object snafu entirely by inserting one teeny tiny little prepositon: "to." I could write TO you, and everything would be fine. Sadly, though, I cannot write you. Unless I write "you." Here we go again.

So now I'm on the horns of a dilemma. (If you can use P.S. and exclamation points, I can certainly use cliches.) Do I even WANT to renew my subscription to a magazine that allows its Consumer Marketing person to get away with such shoddy sentence construction?

I'm still debating.

Sincerely,

Bragger

P.S. When I make up my mind, the check (yes, I remember it's only $10) will be in the mail! Really!!!!!!!

Thanks for Adding Insult to Injury.........

As I approached my 50th birthday, I fully expected the AARP notices to arrive. They weren't a surprise at all. In fact, they were a welcome bit of frivolity in an otherwise stressful week. I was tempted to join just for the discounts I can get on hotel travel. You know, for the dozens of times handful of times twice a year I go out of town and stay in a hotel. Instead I threw the membership card in the trash. But I wasn't insulted to get it. It's a rite of passage for those turning 50.

Today's notice was not from the AARP. It was an official-looking document with these words in bold: OPEN IMMEDIATELY - DO NOT DELAY. In smaller print, the words "Important Non-Government Document Enclosed....." appeared. And right above my name and address, the words UNITED STATES MAIL RECIPIENT.

Although it clearly said "Non-Government Document," it was designed to look just like an official government document. Along with the instructions to "Slide finger under this edge" to open the document.

Well duh.

How else would one go about opening a folded document?

Inside, these welcome (not) words at the top:

Funeral Advantage Program Assists Seniors

The flyer went on to tell me that I MAY qualify for the Funeral Advantage Program that will pay my family $20,000 in the event of my death. I'm supposed to send in the postage-paid card to see if I qualify. If I don't send it in, I might already be dead, and therefore I wouldn't qualify. 

Even if I didn't already have life insurance, I wouldn't buy anything from this company. Beside the little graphic that I guess is supposed to represent a booklet I will receive if I send in my card (but only within the next 15 days, because after that I might be dead) were these words: MAIL TODAY TO ALSO RECEIVE THIS VALUABLE PLANNING HELP.

Let's say I didn't have life insurance. Just for fun, say I wanted my family to have $20,000 with which to party after I'm gone. I still wouldn't buy anything from a company that would carelessly split an infinitive in their advertising.

Grammar snob to the bitter end.

I'm Not ALWAYS A Smart Ass.........

I offer this picture as evidence that while I may be sorely tempted, I do not ALWAYS give in to the urge to be a smart-ass.

This sign appears above the ice maker in our school's cafeteria.

And this is the sign I would like to hang next to it.

But so far I have resisted, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings be thought of as a smart-ass have poison put in my lunch.