Thursday, May 13, 2010

Police Blotter Blogger Fodder Part Quatre........

A woman called the Sheriff's Office after seeing an unfamiliar car parked under a street light. The deputy determined that the vehicle belonged to a friend of the woman's neighbors.
  • Another Gladys Kravitz?
A woman called the Sheriff's Office because her dog was acting strangely. The woman said the dog did not normally behave in that manner unless someone was nearby. One of the responding deputies saw three deer in the area which may have been the cause of the dog's behavior.
  • Why didn't she just ask the dog?
A man said his neighbor has been making rude comments about him and his wife.
  • People seriously call the police for this middle-school crap?
A man called the Sheriff's Office after someone left a flaming bag of dog excrement on his porch.
  • Which part bothered him more? The flames? Or the excrement?
A man said he believes his son tried to break into his home. The man said he does not allow the son to stay inside the home but does occasionally allow him to sleep in his car on the property.
  • Candidate for Father of the Year?
A woman said an Asian woman driving a gray van has repeatedly driven by her home.
  • That's profiling, and profiling is wrong.
A woman said her husband intended to commit suicide. The husband denied any suicidal thoughts. He said he and his wife had been arguing after a weekend camping trip and she misinterpreted his remarks.
  • How could she have misinterpreted "I will kill myself before I EVER go camping with you again"?
A woman called police after receiving multiple unwanted calls and Facebook messages from an acquaintance.
  • Isn't there a way to fix this problem that doesn't involve law enforcement?
And finally:

A man called the Sheriff's Office after his sister, Olive Oyl, showed up at his house "speaking in circles." The brother said Oyl has a substance abuse problem and periodically stays at the residence.

The brother said he and his family were eating dinner when Oyl arrived and asked him to step outside and speak with her. The brother could not understand what Oyl was saying at first. Eventually she began talking about God and Christianity. The brother said he thought it was odd for her to be discussing religion since "every other word out of her mouth was f***." [That is verbatim what the newspaper published.]

When the deputy attempted to question Oyl, she became agitated. The deputy asked how she got to the residence that evening, and Oyl replied that an "angel" had guided her. Oyl said the "angel" acted like God and warned her not to let her guard down. Oyl advised the "angel" lived in [a nearby] County.

Oyl then complained that her brother would not allow her inside the residence to shower. The deputy explained that the man did not want his children to see their aunt in her current state. Oyl said she "had been clean for a minute." When the deputy asked what she meant, Oyl replied that she had been clean for two days. She then said she was glad the deputy was trying to help her and that she remembered him from a previous incident. Oyl said she remembered the deputy because he was like Jesus.

The deputy tried again to determine what had transpired that evening. Oyl said it would take some time to explain because she had been awake for several days. The deputy asked another deputy to speak with Oyl while he gathered more information from the complainant. When the deputy returned, the second deputy said Oyl told him he was cute and that she wanted to perform oral sex on the first deputy. [Wait....Didn't she say he was like Jesus? That's just some kind of wrong.]

As the deputy was attempting to persuade Oyl to get into the patrol car, "I looked down and realized Ms. Oyl was in the process of urinating on herself and my boot," the deputy wrote. "Oyl yelled, 'See what you made me do, you made me piss myself.'"

The deputy explained that Oyl urinated on herself without any assistance from him. She then demanded to go to the hospital saying she had organ transplants and was going to die within the year. A med unit was called to assess Oyl's condition. She later declined to go to the hospital, saying she just wanted to go home. She was transported to the detention center instead.

While en route to the jail, Oyl reportedly began talking aloud and referring to herself in the third person. She called herself stupid and said her mother would be upset with her. After allowing Oyl to shower, detention officers placed her in a padded cell to prevent her from harming herself.

Oyl was charged with obstruction, disorderly conduct, and stupidity. Just kidding about that last one.

1 comment:

Lilith said...

LOL, omg! That last one was classic!