Not the Usual Police Blotter Blogger Fodder.......

There was a funny (at least to me, but I admit I have a warped sense of humor) item in the police blotter in yesterday's paper. This is not the paper I usually get my police blotter stories from, but a newspaper in the college town down the road that actually approaches real journalism. Whereas the stories I usually write about are funny because of the crimes that are committed, this one was funny because of the way it was written. I can easily picture the person who is assigned the inglorious task of writing the police blotter stories grinning as he or she typed this jewel, one of several items highlighting arrests from the weekend. There are always lots of arrests over the weekend of the first home football game, particularly one that kicks off at 7:30 PM.

A 24-year-old Athens man trying to open car doors in the court house [sic] parking deck. When police approached him, he said he was searching for a place to sleep, according to the report. He then tried to get into a car filled with people he did not know. The driver refused to unlock the doors and police let the man sleep at the Clarke County Jail after charging him with public intoxication.

You gotta love someone who can (purposely, I'm sure of that) inject some humor into a routine story about just another routine drunk.

Police Blotter Blogger Fodder Part 7.......

It's been a while since I posted any of the scintillating events from one of our town's newspapers, and since I had my own close-up and personal encounter with one of our city's finest today, I thought it appropriate for tonight's blog topic.

Here are some recent .... uh .... crimes? .... reported in our town.

• Missing adult on June 9. A resident told police that his adult daughter had been missing since the previous day. The female was located at Wal-Mart in [a nearby town]. Shouldn't they always check Wal-Mart first?
• A woman reported a missing friend whom she had not spoken with since late June 7. An officer checked with the ______ County Detention Center and was informed that the woman's friend was incarcerated there.  If she's not at the Wal-Mart, she may just be locked up.
• A man told police he has found his back door open on several occasions and he was missing two ballpoint pens and approximately $3 in change. Raise your hand if you would notice two ballpoint pens missing from your house. And $3 in change.
• An office [sic] reported he found two bicycles on vacant property. So I should call the po-po when the neighbors' kids leave their bikes in our yard?
• A man told police his tan and orange bicycle was stolen between 7:30 and 8:30 PM. Check the vacant property in your area.
• Deceased person on June 11. There they go again, trying to arrest the dead.
• An officer responded to a harassment report and found a man sitting on the front porch who told him that his father's friend touched him inappropriately. When the officer talked with the man in question, he told the officer that the complainant was crazy. I'm not making fun of this situation, but surely this wasn't the end of the story?
• Dispatch was advised that a man was last seen in the area near the railroad tracks taking pictures and video of the trains going by. A police officer spotted the man taking pictures of the passing trains. The officer reported that the male identified himself as a student at Georgia Tech who was taking pictures because he likes trains. [I wonder if anyone has ever told this dude that is NOT the kind of engineering they teach at Georgia Tech? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha]  Dispatched [sic] advised that the FBI and CSX Corporation both told the man not to be on CSX property. The officer reported that the man was standing about 5-10 feet from the train tracks. He was issued a citation for criminal trespass, city violation and told not to be within 25 feet of the trains. Hubby and I are convinced this is the officer we had the **cough cough** pleasure of speaking to today. 
• A man reported that he had received a letter directed to his attention, but directed toward an employee of the SSA in ______. The letter referred to Hell, a "nuke," an "A-bomb," and "F-bomb" causing a "big bang." The reporting officer gathered the evidence from the man, which included an envelope with a return address on it, and turned the items over to investigations. I don't know what's sadder: the fact that the writer thinks an "F-bomb" belongs with all those other incendiary devices, or the fact that he put a return address on a letter containing terroristic threats.

And now the story that did NOT appear in today's police blotter because it missed the deadline. I'm sure it will be in there next week.

• Two middle-aged motorcyclists, one a retired Pepsi salesman and the other a teacher only one year away from retirement herself, were stopped today by a city policeman after they were spotted .... gasp .... riding side by side in the same lane for a distance of a quarter of a mile. After telling the couple that it is against the law to ride motorcycles in tandem due to safety issues NO FEWER THAN FOUR TIMES, the officer magnanimously stated he was not going to give them tickets for their flagrant violation of traffic laws. The citizens of our county can sleep better tonight.

Let me go on record here by saying that I am NOT one of those people who criticize the po-po for everything. My own niece is a law enforcement officer, and Hubby's former brother-in-law is also our former sheriff. I respect everything they do, and I appreciate their efforts to keep us safe.

Sarcasm aside, I also (reluctantly) acknowledge(d) that I was wrong. As soon as the cop said what the problem was, I immediately said, "My fault. I rode up next to him." He kept on and on, repeating the safety issue over and over again, even providing a detailed scenario of me being in the inside lane (I was) and having to dodge a car, and veering into Hubby, and the only place Hubby would have to go would be the ditch. (The officer was apparently unconcerned as to my outcome with the veering-out-of-lane, oncoming car.)

We. Get. It.

I said three times, "I know, it was my fault." That's in addition to Hubby saying, "That's your fault." I didn't even mind him saying that, because it was true. I refrained from telling the officer, "It's the only time I've EVER been able to catch him."

Here's the other part of the whole incident that irked me: The cop ignored me completely and talked solely to Hubby. Even with me saying three times that it was my fault. It was CLEARLY my error, since I was the rider who rode up next to the other one. I was next to the double yellow and (had been) behind Hubby. Even worse, I rode up next to Hubby because I wasn't paying attention. Not paying attention on a motorcycle is dangerous, to say the least.

But he kept talking only to Hubby, and he talked to him like he might be slightly retarded. Hubby's theory is that the cop WANTED Hubby to smart off to him. I was the one having to bite my tongue.

I had never been stopped on my motorcycle before. I can't believe I neglected to put THAT on my 50 Things to Do List.

Police Blotter Blogger Fodder Part 5......

I'm slightly disturbed that the local police blotter hasn't had as much entertaining fodder lately as it used to. I'd like to think the residents of our county are getting smarter, but I'm afraid that isn't really the case. It's probably more likely that the newspaper has resisted publishing some of the evidence of profound stupidity and possible in-breeding.

There were a few in today's paper, however.

• Two neighbors complained about each other walking in front of their houses. Both parties were told to stop walking in front of each other's houses and to stop talking to each other. (Is it possible that at least one of these parties needs to get a life? A job? Another house?)
  
• A man said a six foot tall woman with blond hair had been to his house trying to sell children's books. (Which part made her suspicious? Being six feet tall? Blond hair? Selling children's books?)
  
• A woman said her boyfriend recently moved out and left his two children. (WTH?) The woman returned the children to their grandmother, but said she was afraid the children's mother would become upset when she found out. (Upset that she returned them? Upset that he left him in the first place? Upset that she had two children?)
• Police were called after a husband and wife argued about their age difference, the wife's Facebook friends and who the wife was talking to on the phone. According to both parties, the confrontation was not physical. (According to this model, I should have called the police when Hubby informed me that we were going to knock out a wall in the upstairs?)
• Police were dispatched ... after a report of an injured buzzard. (Isn't this taking animal rights just a LITTLE. TOO. FAR?????) The buzzard had a broken wing. The DNR advised they would not come out for an injured bird and requested the officer put down the bird. The bird was dispatched. (They hired him? Where was he dispatched to? Another call about an injured animal?)
• A woman was driving ... when she heard a loud bang. When she stopped to check her vehicle, she discovered it had been egged. (Just how big WAS that freakin' egg?)
• A man received an automated call warning him of recent burglaries in his area. When he tried to call the number which was displayed on his caller ID, he was unable to reach anyone. (Why would anyone return an automated call? Thank them for the info? Schedule his own burglary?)
• A woman said her son and his ex-girlfriend engaged in a dispute after her son brought his "new woman" home. (If she's an ex, what was she doing there? In the words of Hubby, "If you're an ex, you gotta expect these things.)
• A woman said she received so many calls from her sister that her phone locked up. (Nurse Jane and Katydid, if I ever lock up your phones, would you please just TELL ME instead of calling the po-po?)

And my personal favorite (drumroll, please)................................................

• It took one hour, four deputies, two paramedics and a civilian to get a drunk man up the bank of the Mulberry River. The son said he and his father arrived at the river earlier that evening and began drinking. The son said [his father] had about six beers before switching to whiskey. Due to his excessive alcohol consumption, [he] rendered himself incapable of climbing back up the bank to his son's car. When the deputy arrived, he found [the man] lying on his back. According to the report, [he] was unable to speak clearly and was "unable to function any of his body parts." (Seriously? How many of his separate body parts did they check? Can you imagine how much worse this whole situation might have been if the civilian hadn't shown up?)

Happy weekend, y'all!

Police Blotter Blogger Fodder Part 5......

It's been a while, so I thought I would post some of the recent antics of people in my county. This should make you want to go throw your arms around your entire community and exclaim, "We are NORMAL!"

• An Obama supporter contacted authorities after a man "shot him a bird." ...... [I won't go into all the different times this has happened.] The man admitted making the gesture and explained that he did so because he feels Obama is ruining America and he knows the victim is an Obama supporter. The deputy drove to the bird flipping man's house [yes, our "newspaper" actually printed it that way] and explained that the victim was very upset over the continued middle finger gestures. After jokingly saying he would gladly stop making the gestures if the victim would put a sign in his yard admitting that Obama was ruining the country, the man agreed to stop visibly demonstrating his opinion of the current administration in such a manner.
  
• A man said someone rang his doorbell and then left before he could get to the front door.
• A woman said a man in a "wife-beater" t-shirt came to her door attempting to sell ball caps. The woman said she did not wish to purchase any and the man left. A deputy later located the man inside the neighborhood and verified his identity and reason for being there.
• [This one would be funnier if it didn't happen to be one of the students we JUST GRADUATED from our school.] An officer stopped Tom Thumb after noticing his vehicle did not have an operative tail light. When the officer approached the vehicle, he noticed a strong odor of marijuana and asked Thumb if he had been smoking pot. "I ain't going to lie. I smoked a blunt about an hour ago," Thumb is reported to have said. [He gave permission for the officer to search the car, during which a bag of marijuana was found in the pants belonging to one of his passengers. He and the other passenger were probably extremely ticked off that the one with the marijuana was holding out on them.]
• A woman said she was visiting with a friend when her friend's neighbor walked to the end of the driveway and wrote down her tag number. The neighbor said she is taking down all the tag numbers of the cars that visit the house because she believes the occupants of the home are selling drugs.
• A deputy was dispatched to a business after a witness advised seeing the man "playing with himself" in the cab of a commercial vehicle. The suspect was found sitting in the driver's seat of his vehicle wearing underwear. The man claimed he was in the process of changing clothes. According to the man, he had to change his pants because he recently had a vasectomy and his pants were restrictive to the point that they were causing him discomfort.
• A deputy was dispatched to a home after a woman noticed her dog's food dish had been taken out of her back yard. The woman described the dish as being gray in color, two inches deep and about the size of a dinner plate. The woman further advised that she paid $2 for the dish at Walmart. There are no suspects at this time.
  
• A woman reported seeing a vehicle driving through the parking lot of a nearby church. The responding deputy did not see any suspicious vehicles in the area.
• A man said he received threatening calls from an acquaintance who referred to him as a "Bosnian gypsy."
  
• A woman reportedly threatened to charge her soon-to-be ex-husband with abandonment if he moved out of their home.
• A man called authorities after a young male came to his door at just after 3 a.m. and tried to sell him a jig saw and a sander. The same male returned three hours later and tried to sell him grocery items.
• A man called 911 because he believed his neighbor had shot his dog. Once he was able to get a better look at the dog's injuries, he realized the animal had most likely been hit by a car. The dog was taken to a veterinary hospital for treatment.
• Three windows were broken out of a 1994 Toyota truck. The victim suspects his ex-girlfriend may be responsible and that, based on his experience, a female is most likely the culprit. [You think he's been through this before?]
• A man called 911 after hearing shots from a neighbor's yard. The neighbor said he had fired his shotgun six times and was done for the evening.

And this one has to be my favorite this week:

• A vehicle was reported stolen. The COMPLAINANT was later arrested when it was discovered she was wanted. The car thief was also arrested when she was stopped at a check point and did not have her license in her possession. The car thief did, however, have a large quantity of methamphetamine with her.

Police Blotter Blogger Fodder Part Quatre........

A woman called the Sheriff's Office after seeing an unfamiliar car parked under a street light. The deputy determined that the vehicle belonged to a friend of the woman's neighbors.

• Another Gladys Kravitz?
  

A woman called the Sheriff's Office because her dog was acting strangely. The woman said the dog did not normally behave in that manner unless someone was nearby. One of the responding deputies saw three deer in the area which may have been the cause of the dog's behavior.

• Why didn't she just ask the dog?

A man said his neighbor has been making rude comments about him and his wife.

• People seriously call the police for this middle-school crap?

A man called the Sheriff's Office after someone left a flaming bag of dog excrement on his porch.

• Which part bothered him more? The flames? Or the excrement?

A man said he believes his son tried to break into his home. The man said he does not allow the son to stay inside the home but does occasionally allow him to sleep in his car on the property.

• Candidate for Father of the Year?

A woman said an Asian woman driving a gray van has repeatedly driven by her home.

• That's profiling, and profiling is wrong.

A woman said her husband intended to commit suicide. The husband denied any suicidal thoughts. He said he and his wife had been arguing after a weekend camping trip and she misinterpreted his remarks.

• How could she have misinterpreted "I will kill myself before I EVER go camping with you again"?

A woman called police after receiving multiple unwanted calls and Facebook messages from an acquaintance.

• Isn't there a way to fix this problem that doesn't involve law enforcement?

And finally:

A man called the Sheriff's Office after his sister, Olive Oyl, showed up at his house "speaking in circles." The brother said Oyl has a substance abuse problem and periodically stays at the residence.

The brother said he and his family were eating dinner when Oyl arrived and asked him to step outside and speak with her. The brother could not understand what Oyl was saying at first. Eventually she began talking about God and Christianity. The brother said he thought it was odd for her to be discussing religion since "every other word out of her mouth was f***." [That is verbatim what the newspaper published.]

When the deputy attempted to question Oyl, she became agitated. The deputy asked how she got to the residence that evening, and Oyl replied that an "angel" had guided her. Oyl said the "angel" acted like God and warned her not to let her guard down. Oyl advised the "angel" lived in [a nearby] County.

Oyl then complained that her brother would not allow her inside the residence to shower. The deputy explained that the man did not want his children to see their aunt in her current state. Oyl said she "had been clean for a minute." When the deputy asked what she meant, Oyl replied that she had been clean for two days. She then said she was glad the deputy was trying to help her and that she remembered him from a previous incident. Oyl said she remembered the deputy because he was like Jesus.

The deputy tried again to determine what had transpired that evening. Oyl said it would take some time to explain because she had been awake for several days. The deputy asked another deputy to speak with Oyl while he gathered more information from the complainant. When the deputy returned, the second deputy said Oyl told him he was cute and that she wanted to perform oral sex on the first deputy. [Wait....Didn't she say he was like Jesus? That's just some kind of wrong.]

As the deputy was attempting to persuade Oyl to get into the patrol car, "I looked down and realized Ms. Oyl was in the process of urinating on herself and my boot," the deputy wrote. "Oyl yelled, 'See what you made me do, you made me piss myself.'"

The deputy explained that Oyl urinated on herself without any assistance from him. She then demanded to go to the hospital saying she had organ transplants and was going to die within the year. A med unit was called to assess Oyl's condition. She later declined to go to the hospital, saying she just wanted to go home. She was transported to the detention center instead.

While en route to the jail, Oyl reportedly began talking aloud and referring to herself in the third person. She called herself stupid and said her mother would be upset with her. After allowing Oyl to shower, detention officers placed her in a padded cell to prevent her from harming herself.

Oyl was charged with obstruction, disorderly conduct, and stupidity. Just kidding about that last one.

Thursday Small-Town Police Blotter Blogger Fodder.....

I almost didn't use the police blotter to create tonight's blog topic, because there wasn't nearly as much dysfunction in this week's paper as there had been the last two weeks.

I just couldn't let it go, though. Besides, it keeps me from having to come up with something on my own.

* * * * * * * * * * *

HEADLINE: Counterfeit $100 bill features picture of Abraham Lincoln.

Come on, people. How much research would you really have to do for this one?

* * * * * * * * * * *

A woman accused a man of beating her, but witnesses said the woman was drunk and fabricated the story.

Then why is this news?

* * * * * * * * * * *

A woman said her neighbor's boyfriend followed her throughout town after she helped an investigator looking into the man's extramarital relationship.

Why does this remind me of Gladys Kravitz?

* * * * * * * * * * *

A man took gravel from a pile left by the CSX [railroad] tracks to fill a pot hole at the end of his driveway. He was asked to return the gravel to the pile and no charges were filed.

Can they verify that he returned EVERY. SINGLE. ROCK????

* * * * * * * * * * *

A Man accused his ex-father-in-law of threatening him, but informed the deputy he could not recall what threat was purportedly made.

Wouldn't that be an important detail if you're going to accuse someone of threatening you?

* * * * * * * * * * *

A woman reported receiving numerous calls from someone cursing and "speaking nonsense."

I'm certain my mother didn't mean to dial THAT number.

* * * * * * * * * * *

A woman complained that her child's grandmother keeps coming to the property to leave money for the child.

Someone please give that sweet little grandmother MY address. I promise I will see that the child gets the money - minus a small service charge.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Burglary reported on ____ _____. No items were reported missing, but several pieces of furniture had been moved.

Dang, that happens at my house EVERY DAY!

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