Body Image....Ugh.....

I know it isn't just me who has issues with body image. Why is it that the images we carry around in our heads of how we look NEVER matches what the mirror says?

I mean, it works both ways. Back about a gazillion years ago, when I lost 50 pounds, I was the slimmest I had ever been. I still don't think I would have been described as "thin," though. "Fit" maybe. But in my head I was still overweight, obese, fat. No wonder it's so easy to pack the pounds back on. One of my students offered me a cookie one day at school and I refused, saying, "I didn't lose 50 pounds just to put them back on." He looked confused and said, "You mean you used to be FAT?" I just stared at him, trying to see if he was making fun of me. (He wasn't.) I couldn't figure out the "used to be" part. I thought I still WAS.

And now that I've lost 35 pounds in the last year, I've tried to change the image in my head to a thinNER person (not necessarily a "thin" one). Sometimes I'm more successful than others. I know what size I wear, and I'm STILL amazed when I get something out of the closet and it actually fits. Seriously, I start to pull on a pair of pants and I think to myself, "These are going to cut me in two." Or I'm afraid they will look like my mother described it when I was about 10 years old and had a wonderfully cute new shorts outfit that had a tie belt with it. "You look like a sausage with a string tied around the middle," she said.

Thanks for THAT visual, Mom.

And even though the clothes still fit (some of my new things are actually a little too big, and that's just a little too damn BAD), I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am truly smaller than I was. It's a nice feeling when I can button a pair of pants without sucking in. 

Every now and then, though, I see a picture of me taken recently, and I'm discouraged. I don't want to be rail-thin (good thing, since it ain't EVER going to happen), but I want to have a nice shape. In pictures I still look round, just maybe basketball-round instead of beachball-round. I saw some pictures of me on Rozmo's Facebook page, and I cringed. Still with the belly. All the chins.

I'm trying to use those pictures as incentive to get past this dang plateau I've been on for four months. I've gotten away from exercising in the mornings, justifying it by saying since I have to go so early to take care of my mother-in-law that I deserve those 30 minutes to crochet every morning. I need to get back on that program of early-morning cardio, because I fully believe that (for me at least) it jump-starts my metabolism for the whole day. Then if I can ride my bike in the afternoons (until it gets too cold), that exercise will be a bonus.

I just want to lose the rolls.

Allow Me to Vent......

I try not to use my blog as a platform to vent, and this is pretty darn petty. Chalk it up to being the first week of school with not quite enough computers to go around and students who are (shockingly, amazingly) showing up for school.

My mother never calls me. She irritates burdens annoys aggravates phones my sisters regularly (and tells them what a "perfect" life Hubby and I have, making them feel their lives are .... well.... less than perfect, I guess), but she rarely rings my telephone. If I call her, she exchanges pleasantries for a few minutes, then she is almost always in a hurry to get off the phone.

Yet she calls my cell phone when I'm at school. I always answer, because as she approaches 80 years old, I never know when something might be wrong. I would most assuredly NOT be the first person she called, but still.

She called my cell phone today, the second day of school, and verified that I was indeed at school. "Can I talk for just a minute?" she asked.

What do you say to that? Not that my answer would have mattered. So she starts chattering (she's driving to Savannah during this conversation, by the way, which causes me no small measure of nervousness) about listening to Anna's all-state chorus CD (Katydid's granddaughter) and how she remembers when I was in all-state chorus........

And then she went through a dead zone and the call got dropped. And that's all I heard from her. All day. I assumed nothing catastrophic happened to her, since I didn't hear anything from law enforcement. And then, to be honest, I forgot about the call.

She called after I got home (thank goodness for small favors) to finish the conversation (scratch that). The rest of the conversation was to tell me how proud she was of me. For being in all-state chorus. In 1977. Just in case she forgot to tell me. And then she ended the conversation by saying, "Tell your husband that I'm proud of you."

WTH?

I did manage to squeeze into the conversation that Sweet Girl had made the Dean's List at Embry Riddle. Mom sounded a little confused, or maybe surprised, that Sweet Girl was going to college.

Sigh.

I'll stop there for tonight. Forgive my pettiness. There's more, but I don't want to appear even smaller than I already do.

Frustrating Friday.......

I find myself in the foulest of moods on an otherwise pleasant Friday evening.

• I had to say goodbye to my friend Lawanda the Warrior Princess today. Not totally goodbye, but she has gone to work at another school in our county. The bastards in charge of her pay couldn't find funds for more than half a year, and it isn't practical for her to work part-time. She had to snap up another full-time job with the school system's insurance, since her husband is self-employed. Personally, I don't think the power-that-be tried very hard to find to find the funds. 
• Early in the week I sent out an email asking about the whole gang taking Lawanda out this afternoon after school. I asked where we should go and suggested a couple of places, then jokingly suggested we stay in town, order margaritas, and have our pictures posted on Facebook, a not-so-subtle reference to the young lady in our county who was asked to resign when her Facebook page showed her holding a glass of wine in Italy. Someone who may or may not be the principal of our school replied that my first suggestion was good, because it was in a different county. This same person who may or may not be the principal of our school did not show up for the gathering and said to someone else that she had not been invited. 
• My internet has given me fits tonight. Or maybe it's my computer. The connection has alternately been extremely slow and at times has not recognized my network. I gave in and plugged in the connect card, since it's only one of the three ways in which I pay for internet service every month, and it has kicked me off the internet no fewer than four times. 
• I was just about to go use Hubby's computer when HE got on the internet. What is he even doing UP at this hour?
• We moved the television into our new bedroom, and for a while we couldn't get everything to work. We finally got the satellite to reprogram and had no audio. Much cursing ensued. In desperation I plugged the offending wires into holes clearly marked "Video," and the sound came on. 
• The Braves are losing and the Phillies are winning. Not only is the pennant slipping from our grasp like melted Crisco, the wild card is looking doubtful as well. The Braves have scored two runs while I have typed this, however, so perhaps I should bad-mouth them some more. I wonder if that will work on my internet connection.....

On a positive note, my Sweet Girl is coming home this weekend and is due to arrive any minute now. It's been a long time since she came home for the weekend, and I can't wait to see her. The weekend will definitely improve.

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh.........

Blogger is giving me fits uploading pictures tonight. I have the post all written, but it's talking about BRAG people, and without the photos it's..... pretty meaningless.

I will try again tomorrow.