I know it isn't just me who has issues with body image. Why is it that the images we carry around in our heads of how we look NEVER matches what the mirror says?
I mean, it works both ways. Back about a gazillion years ago, when I lost 50 pounds, I was the slimmest I had ever been. I still don't think I would have been described as "thin," though. "Fit" maybe. But in my head I was still overweight, obese, fat. No wonder it's so easy to pack the pounds back on. One of my students offered me a cookie one day at school and I refused, saying, "I didn't lose 50 pounds just to put them back on." He looked confused and said, "You mean you used to be FAT?" I just stared at him, trying to see if he was making fun of me. (He wasn't.) I couldn't figure out the "used to be" part. I thought I still WAS.
And now that I've lost 35 pounds in the last year, I've tried to change the image in my head to a thinNER person (not necessarily a "thin" one). Sometimes I'm more successful than others. I know what size I wear, and I'm STILL amazed when I get something out of the closet and it actually fits. Seriously, I start to pull on a pair of pants and I think to myself, "These are going to cut me in two." Or I'm afraid they will look like my mother described it when I was about 10 years old and had a wonderfully cute new shorts outfit that had a tie belt with it. "You look like a sausage with a string tied around the middle," she said.
Thanks for THAT visual, Mom.
And even though the clothes still fit (some of my new things are actually a little too big, and that's just a little too damn BAD), I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am truly smaller than I was. It's a nice feeling when I can button a pair of pants without sucking in.
Every now and then, though, I see a picture of me taken recently, and I'm discouraged. I don't want to be rail-thin (good thing, since it ain't EVER going to happen), but I want to have a nice shape. In pictures I still look round, just maybe basketball-round instead of beachball-round. I saw some pictures of me on Rozmo's Facebook page, and I cringed. Still with the belly. All the chins.
I'm trying to use those pictures as incentive to get past this dang plateau I've been on for four months. I've gotten away from exercising in the mornings, justifying it by saying since I have to go so early to take care of my mother-in-law that I deserve those 30 minutes to crochet every morning. I need to get back on that program of early-morning cardio, because I fully believe that (for me at least) it jump-starts my metabolism for the whole day. Then if I can ride my bike in the afternoons (until it gets too cold), that exercise will be a bonus.
I just want to lose the rolls.