Dear Hubby......

If this morning is any indication of what your upcoming retirement is going to be like, we might have a problem. Or two.

I love you dearly. Please know that I do.

But I also love my mornings. I like to drink my coffee in a leisurely manner, check my email, crochet some, watch the local news and Robin Meade on HLN, and then get on the elliptical.

As I rule, I do not MIND fixing your toast and jelly. But COME ON!!!! You have every Friday off. You have all stinkin' morning to fix your own toast and jelly. It ain't rocket science. Just because I offered to refill your coffee cup when I was going to pour my own does NOT mean I wanted to drop everything and cater to your every whim. Did you notice that I didn't even eat breakfast myself? Yeah, I sacrificed my breakfast time so I could crochet. NOT so I could prepare toast and jelly for an able-bodied person who is perfectly capable of doing it himself.

I know that technically I call it "WATCHING the news." But guess what? It would be nice to HEAR it too. Without your incessant, ongoing commentary of everything someone says. Your mockery of every single person who appears on the television screen gets on my nerves. The fact that most of your comments are of a racist bent MAKES MY BLOOD PRESSURE GO UP. Come on, dude.....it's an Atlanta station.

Notice that on Fridays when I get on the elliptical, I turn on my MP3 player and put in my earbuds. That's so I don't have to listen to the commentary of the golf tournament being played in Dubai. Or worse, listen to Imus in the Morning on that RFD station you LUCKILY found on the satellite. [The only thing worse than having to listen to Imus is LOOKING at him.] I listen to my MP3 player on Fridays because that's the only day I don't allow myself to watch the same five taped gymnastics meets from last season. I wouldn't set myself up to ridicule like that when you're home. When I have my earbuds in, however, it's difficult to hear you. So if you ARE talking to me, at least approach the elliptical and wait for me to remove them. If you are NOT talking to me, don't look so annoyed that I asked. I have no way of knowing when your comments are directed at the dog. Or yourself. Or when you are just muttering.

I realize we have two showers. The one in the hall bathroom, however, has issues. That is why I shower in what we lovingly refer to as "YOUR" bathroom. Notice that it is attached to "OUR" bedroom. [Or is that only YOURS too?] I can't help it if the shower steams up the mirror and you can't see to shave. Here's an idea . . . why not wait until I LEAVE to shave? Or better yet . . . take your shaver in the OTHER bathroom, where the mirror is NOT steamed up? Or hey . . . I know this one is outrageous, but . . . TAKE A TOWEL AND WIPE THE MIRROR OFF!!!!! Any of those is preferable to your saying in that whiny voice that is only partly pretending, "I can't see in the mirror!" If you will put the task of repairing the shower on your post-retirement list, that's one less way you can aggravate me I can aggravate you.

I don't begrudge your Fridays off. I know you want to spend the day playing golf, and you usually take care of things around the house before you go to play. Guess how I spend my two days off? I go to the grocery store so YOU will have meals for the next week. I make sure YOU have clean laundry. I hope and pray for good weather so you CAN play golf and I can watch the football games that I want to watch WITHOUT flipping over the golf tournament or the World Series of Poker from two years ago or BOWLING, for God's sake. Occasionally I ride my bicycle on one of the weekend days, but that only means I have to rearrange my schedule the next week so those things STILL GET DONE. I do NOT have the option of simply not doing them.

You are going to retire in 41 days. You just have 5 more Fridays, and only 3 of those will I have to get up and go to school. Please. Do us both a favor.

Sleep in.

Your loving (really) wife,

Bragger