Families....Ugh.....

"You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family...."

Truer words were never spoken. And the more extended the family, the weirder those family dynamics get.

We have one branch of our family on my mother's side (I won't even get started on my father's side of the family) that is ... a little ... strange. Sweet people, for the most part, but just strange.

I realize I'm using my own personal set of values to describe them as weird, and they might say I'm just as weird. Or they may not recognize weird when they see it, or they might just be nicer people than I am and say there's nothing at all wrong with me.

My cousin's husband, however, can only be described as a boor. He's uncouth, often unclean, rude, obnoxious, opinionated (aren't we all?), and outspoken. As in not a good way.

Apparently there have been some more serious behaviors at the family reunion, and although I was only made aware of them THIS year, it appears the behaviors manifested themselves at last year's reunion also. Some of his rudeness was directed toward his own sister-in-law (his wife's sister, also my first cousin), and to be honest I don't have information as to how offended she was or if other people were more offended on her behalf. But I do have it on good authority that when it was time to assign cottages for this year's reunion, she expressed a desire NOT to be housed with her sister and her husband. But that's exactly where she wound up.

To make a long story short (and I'm not sure why I'm telling it here anyway), after this year's reunion, the "Elders" (that would be my mother and her siblings) got together and decided this boor would no longer be welcome at the family reunion.

Ouch. That's harsh. Even for a boor. Because by extension, you wind up excluding some people who are blood relatives. I mean, I can't imagine my cousin coming to the reunion without her husband. And they come every year, no matter the location. And they provide breakfast for the whole clan both mornings of the weekend. (No, it's not the loss of the breakfasts I'm lamenting, really.)

It might have been enough to inform them (him?) that he wouldn't be welcome at the reunion. But the letter (more on that in a moment) also said that if he DID show up (really, would anyone show up under those circumstances?), the sheriff would be called.

That might have been going too far. And the author of the letter was my aunt's husband, ALSO not a blood relative. (I might be inclined to call him an uncle, but they haven't been married too many years. It's complicated.) I'm not sure he had the "authority" to write the letter. Or really if anyone had the authority.

My sister and my cousin both used the exact same phrase to describe this situation, and that was "slippery slope."

I never understood fully what that meant, but now I think I do.

I'm not here to make excuses for a boor, and I'm not going to defend his right to be at a reunion where his behavior has been unacceptable. (The source of my information was reluctant to tell me the specifics, and I didn't press for details.)

But if we start letting some people (even if they ARE the elders) decide who comes to the family reunion and who doesn't, what are we setting ourselves up for? What crosses the line of what is acceptable and what isn't? Who decides?

Couldn't someone decide I'm not welcome at the reunion if I'm going to bring my dog? (We do have those who aren't very fond of animals, namely my own mother.)
Couldn't someone ask the smokers to stay away?
If someone doesn't accept the partners of gay family members, could THEY be asked not to come?
What if someone dresses inappropriately - banned from the reunion?
Tattoos?
Misbehaving children?
Drug users?
Drinkers?
Liberals?
Conservatives?
Democrats?
Republicans?
Independents?
South Carolina Gamecock fans?
Florida Gator fans? (Oh never mind, we don't have any of those.)

I think you get my point.

Naturally there has already been a backlash, as the brother of the cousin in question has said he will attend no more reunions and has asked to be removed from the mailing list. That means almost an entire branch of the family won't be there, and while it has never been expected that EVERYONE would come, I think their absence will be awkward.

And I think some people's PRESENCE will be awkward. I almost feel that I shouldn't go, because I don't want it to look like I condone "kicking" some people out of the family. But not going to the reunion might appear to show support for the boor who has been asked not to come, and I don't want it to look like I'm in his corner.

I really, really wish there weren't corners at all in this unfathomable mess of a situation.

Meanwhile, Hubby is trying to come up with something he can do to get barred from the family reunion.

Families. Ugh.

More Photos.......

Here are some more photos, this time from our family reunion this past weekend. I'm not really being too lazy to write.

Really.

I'm not.

I do, after all, have to write the captions.

My great-nephew, Wyatt. This is the baby who weighed 10 lbs 2 ounces at birth. He is an incredibly good-tempered baby, and I'm not just saying that because he's related to me.

My cousin Chris, who lives next door to the marsh house I want to buy. He also organized last year's reunion and this year's, and he did a darn fine job of it. He's modeling the NashBash t-shirt for this year; the mannequin (?) in the background shows what the back looks like.

The picture doesn't do this justice. This piece of "driftwood" hangs over the television in Chris's house. He and his partner found it while they were out exploring the marsh one day, and they had to have it. They had to use three levels of scaffolding to hang the thing, and it weighs somewhere between 200-300 pounds.

I may have posted this exact same shot last year. This is the abandoned rail trestle about 2 miles from Palm Key. We put our kayaks in here and paddled around for a little while.

My nephew Paul (all 6'8" or 6'9" of him) and his daughter Rylie. She couldn't stop talking about her kayaking expedition.

What a cool father-daughter thing to do.

My sweet girl and my granddog Daisy. Daisy was NOT all about the kayaking.

Loading the kayaks and canoes back onto the truck for the short trip back home. These cousins took off kayaking from where we held the reunion, but the tide went out and there was no way for them to get back.

Cousins, Rylie and Alycia.

I took a gazillion pictures of the sunrise over Palm Key, and this one was the best shot. I'm a pitiful photographer. I need lessons. Now.

The group we refer to fondly as The Elders. Sisters Jo, Mary (Jane), Carol (my mom), Patti, and Rosie. Uncle Danny (they FINALLY got a boy) is in the back.

The whole fam damily. At least the ones who attended this year's NashBash.

Special People.....

Every now and then I like to write about people who are special in my life. I have to walk a thin line, though, not wanting to violate someone's privacy even while expressing my love/admiration/respect for him or her.

This week's contestants are the precious couple pictured below.

Looking at this picture is the first time I've realized how much she looks like her mother.

Get over it, kid, we're ALL destined to look like our mothers.

They really ARE fun people, but they don't like to show it in photographs. Here's another one from a family reunion a couple of years ago.

They really WERE happy to be there, and don't let them try to convince you otherwise.

This is my niece and her boyfriend husband. It's so hard for me to realize they are married. I don't know why, since they are certainly of legal marrying age (barely) and I was THERE when they exchanged vows.

They were the precious folks who planned an outdoor wedding in August, thereby single-handedly ending the drought that had gripped Georgia for the past couple of decades. I took pictures at their wedding, and there were very few decent ones. The majority of them were marred by a lens that fogged over every time we went outside to take pictures. And the inside of the church wasn't psychologically ready for the wedding to be moved inside. I still feel awful about the quality of the pictures. There was another (supposed) photographer there, but apparently she wasn't all that.

These are two incredibly smart human beings. Their future children are destined to be geniuses (geniusi?). While they both spent a very short time at my alma mater (endearing them to me forever), they both subsequently transferred to a DIFFERENT university that has the name Georgia in it, but unfortunately ends with Tech. Having endeared themselves to me forever already, though, I couldn't hold it against them. I think he's majoring in (and I know I'm going to get this wrong, sweet niece, so don't hesitate to correct me) something with the words "bio" and "medical" and "physics" all contained in the name. I think she's majoring in ... majoring.

They are both witty, probably the quality I most admire in people, because it implies not only intelligence but also a sense of humor. They like to make fun of the same people I do, for the same reasons. They probably make fun of ME when I'm not there, but I would prefer to remain blissfully ignorant.

And while we're talking about special people...

You should see the little guy on the other end of these feet.

(Forgive me...I have a thing for baby feet.)

A Little Presumptuous.....

I knew it was a risk of having a swimming pool. Hubby's sister helps herself to it almost anytime she wants to. It would be different if I liked her and I could go out there myself and hang out with her. But when she comes to swim, I feel trapped in my own house. I don't go get in my own pool until she's gone.

The day I got home from BRAG, there she was in my pool. "I thought you weren't getting home until later." Sigh. That wasn't the worst of it. She then informed me that her used-to-be-boyfriend-now-just-a-hanger-on was also coming over, along with his two grandsons, her granddaughter, and her granddaughter's friend. The granddaughter is almost 13, but she's one of those who has to come in the house every five minutes to "go to the bathroom."

All I wanted was to take a nap. She knew I wasn't happy about it, and that made me feel kind of bitchy, but I was exhausted from the week's ride and wanted nothing more than some peace and quiet. I was too tired to care if I pissed her off or not. Luckily a fierce thunderstorm blew in and sent them scampering for home. I guess. They don't let us know when they leave.

It isn't very nice of me, but it's a different story if MY sisters come over. I LIKE having them here. On the rare occasion we are all here together, we hang out at the pool and laugh and talk and have a grand old time.

When SHE'S here I watch the front yard to see when her car leaves.

Hubby feels pretty much the same way I do about his sister, but he's too nice to tell her it's not convenient for her to come over. She called him today (I'm sure MIL keeps her informed as to when I'm not here) to say she wanted to come over tomorrow to "get some sun."

Hubby is taking the weekend off from golf, and that is such a rarity that it warrants something special. Like maybe hanging out at the pool together. Alone together.

When people say they don't want a pool because they're too much trouble, I THOUGHT I knew what they were talking about.

Sigh.

Interlopers.....

I had heard horror stories about people who have swimming pools having people invite themselves over all the time.

It has begun to happen to us with a certain family member who shall remain nameless, but it ain't from MY side of the family.

At first we invited her and her man friend over for special gatherings and our usual July Fourth party.

Then she started inviting herself. And she broke up with the man friend, so that was okay too.

Then she started bringing her daughter-in-law. And all three grandchildren.

If they invite themselves over when I'm here, I feel as though I'm not supposed to go out there and enjoy my own pool. I sit inside and watch television while they swim. In my pool.

Their favorite thing to do, however, is to come when we're not here. Not only do they use the pool freely, they also traipse in and out of the house. I can't begrudge them the need to go to the bathroom, especially since that's much better than peeing in the pool, but COME ON.

Today I came home from my weekend of bicycling feeling wonderfully tired, but glad to be home. I unpacked and washed the clothes before I even sat down to rest.

Then I went into the bathroom, where SOMEONE generously left a gift for us in the hall bathroom toilet. And forgot to flush.

There was no toilet paper, so I assume it was a child. God, I hope it was a child.

But COME ON!!! You're in someone else's house. Shouldn't you at least check behind the children? Perhaps school them on the steps to take AFTER using the toilet?

Hubby and I went swimming when he got home, and I found myself looking around the pool warily, lest the "guests" left a little present for us in the POOL also. These people clearly don't use the same rulebook we do.

Hubby feels the same way I do, so I don't have to worry about causing any marital strife. We're going to have to put locks on the gates to the backyard and use the excuse that the new neighbors have small children.

We also have a bad habit of not locking our doors. We're going to have to change that.

Maybe we'll just go ahead and cover it up. My family, whom I would LOVE to have over, never gets a chance to come swim. They would never take advantage, and they would NEVER make me feel unwelcome in my own pool.

When people said having a pool was a whole lot of trouble, I THOUGHT I knew what they were talking about.

They meant family trouble.

Hubby's Nephew and His Family.....

We had a (thankfully) small gathering for the Fourth of July, which was 100% larger a gathering than I wanted to have in the first place. Is there a Fourth of July equivalent for "bah humbug"? Wait....that makes me sound unpatriotic. It had nothing to do with the Fourth of July. It had a lot to do with the fact that I just wanted to relax at home. It would have been fine if Hubby had gone off to the golf course. But we had a gathering all the same, and as usual, it wasn't nearly as bad as what I had been dreading.

Hubby's mother and sister came, along with her son (D), his wife (K), and their three kids (D2, S, and C). They have two sons who are six months apart in age. I can explain that.

Hubby's nephew married fairly young. In the old days (way, way, way back), we would have said "they HAD to get married." They produced D2, a sweet little girl who was born the very day that Princess Diana died.


As happens to many young couples who "have" to get married, they began to grow apart. Eventually they split, but they were never very far apart, mainly due to D2. Both of them took their parenting responsibilities seriously, for which I admire them. I tend to think D took his responsibilities even more seriously than the child's MOTHER did, but I could be biased, since he's related to Hubby by blood.

D got involved with church, however, and in fact he sometimes preaches at his church, although he is not a fully ordained minister. K began to go to church with him, and soon neither of them resembled the people they had been before. The transformation was almost unbelievable. They weren't obnoxious about religion, but you could tell they weren't just dabbling in it. And they apparently aren't judgmental, because D continues to play golf with Hubby. That could test ANYONE'S religion.

They got back together, and then their son S was born.

Personally I wouldn't want to have children 10 years apart, but that's their business. I chose not to have more than one child no matter WHAT the age difference. Unlike my ex, who had two children born on Valentine's Day, THIRTY YEARS APART. But I digress.

When S was about nine months old, K's sister was tragically beaten TO DEATH by her husband. They had a three-month old named C. Well obviously he wasn't NAMED C, but you get my drift.

He is the sweetest little thing, but he appears to be much further behind S developmentally than their six-month age difference.

D and K took the little guy in, because they were his only family. Their family went from two kids to three literally overnight. They didn't even get a nine-month pregnancy to get ready for this event. They didn't even get to discuss whether they even WANTED a third child. That's not quite true.....D told me they HAD discussed it, but they had decided two was enough. I guess God had other ideas.



It is a terribly sad situation. They had to wait for the father to get sentenced before they could legally claim the child as their own. They still haven't adopted him, because right now they can get limited financial assistance from the state; if they adopt, that goes away. I know the legal system is cold and heartless out of necessity, but it seems a shame in a situation such as this one. They couldn't really afford a third child, but what else could they do? I am not usually in favor of milking the state for assistance, but in this case I certainly can't blame them for holding off on the adoption. It is safe for them to hold off; since the murderer has been sentenced, they have been granted "physical custody," and no one can take him from them.

The situation just raises all kinds of questions in my mind. For one, could I have done the same thing? Could I have taken a child to raise who wasn't my own? A child who will never remember any other mother? Of course I could, had it been one of my sisters. That's what sisters do.

At what age will they tell him what happened to his birth mother? And his sperm donor?

And how many times will D and K have to explain how they have two sons who are six months apart in age?