Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Did He Say.....Warrant?.......

Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with a blog topic. Part of the reason is that I sometimes wait until it's time to go to bed, and then I go into a panic, knowing I can't go to bed until I write something. And it's hard to write something witty, clever, urbane, intelligent, poignant, thought-provoking, or even relevant with a 15-minute deadline.

And then sometimes my cell phone rings in the middle of the day, and a blog entry just happens.

Like today, right before lunch.

I didn't recognize the number, and normally I wouldn't answer my cell during the school day, because it's usually a student from my online course. Since we were going to lunch anyway, however, I answered it.

Me: Hello?

Man: Jackie?


Man: I need to speak to Jackie ________. [Not really sure what last name he said, but it sounded like the wife of our recently retired sheriff, and I doubt that's who he was really looking for. She's also the principal of an elementary school. That has nothing to do with this story, but it makes the blog entry look longer. And somehow more important.]

Me: You have the wrong number.

Man: Okay, I'll just get my warrant.


Did he say "warrant"? Is there anything else he could have said that sounds like "warrant" but is something else?

Can I be arrested for being the wrong number?

I don't know if it's the teacher, the mother, or the freak in me, but I wanted to fix this situation. I wanted to call the number back and say, "Listen, dude, Jackie really, really isn't here, and I'm sure she (he?) will be glad to surrender. That warrant won't be necessary."

Then I wanted to call back and say, "What number were you TRYING to call?" Then I wanted to call the real Jackie and warn him/her to RUN LIKE HELL!!!! turn himself/herself in.

I have this psycho irrational fear that someone will show up at my door with a real warrant, since it is patently obvious that I am aiding and abetting some criminal named Jackie.

All of this could have been avoided had I simply let the call go to voicemail. THE MAN would have heard my newly recorded greeting, clearly stating my name that is NOTHING like Jackie, and he would have realized that he had the wrong number. Then he could have called the CORRECT number, he could have had a calm, logical conversation with Jackie, and they could have worked out their differences.

As it is, I'm afraid that Jackie is just going about her (I'm convinced it's a "her," otherwise, why would he have thought I was Jackie?") routine, minding her own business, and when she goes to pick up her dry cleaning one afternoon, she's going to hear, "FREEZE! POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!" and she will have to decide whether to throw her clean clothes on the ground or get shot. I hope she makes the right decision. Dry cleaning is expensive.

The policeman or detective or whoever goes to arrest her is going to be all hostile and stuff, because if she had just taken the call instead of dodging him, they could have worked things out. He'll be all like, "You should have taken my call, Jackie" and she'll be all like, "Well you could have placed one, Dumb___" which will make things go generally downhill, mostly because I'm using the word "like."

If you call me in the next few days and get my voicemail, don't be offended. Just leave a message. And if you see Jackie, please tell her....

Never mind. I'll let you and Jackie decide on the proper course of action.


Maggie said...

Oh my........ I love the way your mind works.

Evil Pixie said...

Yikes! I have to say, though, where you went with "warrant" made me smile.

Anonymous said...

I suddenly feel like I need to have bail money hidden in a drawer somewhere...