Dear Random Charitable Organization....

Dear Random Charitable Organization:

Enough with the return-address labels already. We don't write letters, we email. We don't mail bills, we pay them online. We don't send Christmas cards, we blog about why we AREN'T sending them. We don't send cheery little family updates, we post anything relevant to the family website.

I know you are trying to guilt me into sending you a check. If you are one of the organizations I deem worthy of my money, I ALREADY send you a regular donation. And I do it online. With a credit card, whose bill I also pay online.

The last packet of return-address labels I received had a nickel in the envelope. There was something on the outside about what a nickel can do for a blah blah blah, but I didn't read it. I almost threw the whole thing in the trash, but I felt guilty about knowingly (and LITERALLY) throwing away real money.

So I ripped open the envelope, peeled the nickel off the letter and dropped it into our Pepsi-bottle-shaped piggy bank, and then threw the address labels away.

How many of your donated dollars are you spending on those labels, anyway? And to mail them out? And to pay someone to glue a nickel to a bazillion letters? Why don't you just take ORDERS for the labels that people actually want, if they can't figure out how to print their own like I do on the RARE occasion that I need an address label?

Sometimes I keep the labels, but I honestly can't remember which ones go with which organization, so it's not like your attempt to remind me every time I use one that I owe you some money is working or anything.

The last batch was the worst. I know you probably meant well using our official titles, but you didn't have to take a swipe at hubby's manhood when you were printing the labels.

You didn't have to put "Dr. My Name" FIRST and "Mr. Hubby's Name" UNDERNEATH that. Jeez, can't you let a man have a little pride? Do you honestly think I'm going to put those labels on ANYTHING? I didn't even want them in the house.

How tacky.

Sincerely,

Bragger
(That's DR. Bragger to you)