Old Fashioned......

This post is destined to tick some people off. But after careful consideration of the four people I'm SURE of who read my blog, maybe it won't be my regular audience.

The closest "real" newspaper to us is the same one in the college town where I used to live, work, and breathe football. On Sundays they publish the baby announcements for the previous week, and sometimes I scan them. I look for former students (even though some of them are probably old enough to be grandparents by now), and sometimes I look for unusual names. This usually leads to an extended session of head-shaking at the spelling of babies' names these days, and then I'm sorry I bothered.

What really bothers me, though, is the number of babies born to single moms these days. I am dismayed by the births that are proudly published in the paper with only a mama, no daddy in sight.

I know, I know, that's terribly old-fashioned (and perhaps narrow-minded) of me. And I shouldn't make judgments without knowing all the facts. There are situations in which I would find it acceptable for a single woman to have a baby.

Most of the ones I've been acquainted with, however, are teenagers. They aren't financially or emotionally equipped to handle a baby (or two), and many, many of them aren't even with the "baby daddy" long enough for him to be present at the birth. They are still more interested in partying than settling down, and they seem to resent the fact that the baby interferes with their social lives.

I feel sort of hypocritical for even saying this. I mean, I was a single mom too, but I WAS married when I had the baby. She was planned, right down to the number of sick days I would need for maternity leave, and I THOUGHT I knew what I was doing. I was college-educated, married, had a (sort of) good job with benefits, and having a baby was TOUGH on me. Having two babies was even tougher, so I had to divorce one of them.

We had a student last year who got pregnant, and like a lot of them she brought her ultrasound pictures to school and passed them around for everyone to see. Sigh. Then she had a "miscarriage" that she later admitted in a teacher conference was actually an abortion (she spilled all those details, we surely didn't ask). She graduated and had plans to continue her education, because heaven knows a high school diploma isn't good enough these days. Then I read on that time-sucking social media site that she is pregnant again and expecting in July and "super excited!!!!!" Double sigh.

And the grandparents. I wrote once about the mom who brought her daughter in to interview for a slot at our school because she was pregnant. She wanted her daughter to come to our school until she had the baby, then the mom wanted her to go back to the traditional school so she could have a "normal senior year," complete with cheerleading. What she really wanted was a chance for her daughter to avoid the inevitable gossip long enough to earn some credits, then go back when someone else was the topic. Triple sigh.

There are stories from the other end of the spectrum, too. One of our former students (who is actually the daughter of a former friend and classmate of mine) also came to us because she was pregnant. Her boyfriend was younger than she, and she made the (to me) adult decision to put her child up for adoption. She went through an agency, met the couple, bonded with them throughout her pregnancy, and helped them decide on the name "Max." When the baby was born (and believe me, she had the normal nine-month pregnancy, long enough for these things to have been ironed out), the boy's PARENTS didn't allow him to sign the papers to let the adoption go through. THEY wanted to raise the baby. What are these people thinking? The happy ending to this story is that she kept the baby, had/has tremendous family support, has graduated from UGA, and is pursuing graduate school. And by the looks of her FB postings, she is an incredible mom. I'm afraid, though, that she is the exception.

I truly wish I could do another dissertation (did I really just SAY that?) about the teen moms just in our county. I think it would make for fascinating reading. I know it happens everywhere, but there is something strange about the culture in our county that makes me go "huh?" Wait...did I just say "something strange"? As in singular? Oops... my bad.

Maybe I'll contact my former dissertation committee chair. We could do an article together or something. It wouldn't be the all-American novel, but it would be SOMETHING.

Jumping down off my high horse now,

Bragger

And THAT'S What Is Wrong with Teenagers Today....

Our county seems to have a higher than average number of teen pregnancies, and a lot of the moms and moms-to-be wind up coming to our school, either for the flexibility our school allows or just to get away from the regular high school environment. (My "favorite" was the girl and her mom, whom I wrote about before, who wanted to come to our school only for the pregnancy, then return to the regular high school to have a "normal" senior year, including cheerleading.)

I've written before about how conflicted I feel about these girls. We want to support them and help them get finished with high school so they can (we hope we hope we hope we hope) continue their education and provide for their babies. I worry that we send the wrong message, though. The girls show up with their babies, we ooh and aah over them, and the rest of the school population sees them getting all this attention.

(My next-to-favorite was from THIS school year, when a girl gave birth to a baby on Friday and then showed up with him at school on MONDAY, as if it were freakin' SHOW AND TELL or something. Sheesh.)

I said all that to point out that it isn't at all unusual for several of our students to be expecting babies at any given moment. Smart, dumb, white, black, gorgeous, homely, there is a LOT of teen sex going on in our county. Unprotected teen sex at that.

One of our girls (who I am convinced is as cray-cray as they get and has already been suspended twice, once for fighting and once for asking a teacher "who the f*** do you think you are?") is pregnant, and like many of our population (I guess like many of this generation period), she lives with her grandmother.

I heard her discussing her unborn child with some of her friends while they were going to lunch one day last week. (At least one of the friends is pregnant too, and I'm afraid that's part of the unending cycle, a competition of sorts.) This cray-cray pregger girl was saying that if HER child got pregnant as a teenager, she would "put her out." In other words, kick her out of the house.

Huh?

I was drawn into the conversation, and her friends asked if I agreed with them that the girl in question was practicing a double standard. (That's my term, not theirs.) I asked her if that meant she thought her grandmother should have put HER out.

"No," she said, "parenting is different for me."

Huh?

Wow. Even for a cray-cray, I was amazed. She wan't being funny either.

That's just the way she rolls. Sadly, she isn't the only one.

Conflicting Messages......

Today one of my favorite students stopped by school to drop off her last statistics project for the math teacher. She finished everything else in December, but she has been dragging her feet on these projects. Math has never been her thing; she was SHOCKED when she passed the math portion of the graduation test. It was the very last one she had to pass, and when she did I was determined she was going to graduate. She's one of my advisees in addition to being one of my favorites.

She's had a tough life, as so many of our students have. Her mother died when she was very young, and she's never had a relationship with her father. She lived with her grandmother, but their relationship was often rocky as well. The girl has a volatile temper, but she can be one of the sweetest people in the world. She never speaks to me without saying "yes m'am" or "no m'am," and even in her darkest moments (in the throes of a violent physical fight last year, started by the other girl), she has NEVER been anything other than polite to me.

She started living with her boyfriend last semester, and she often had trouble getting to school. He is one of our former students also, and while I'm not sure their relationship is a healthy one, at least he has a steady job and is apparently taking care of my girl. And their new baby.

She came by to let me see the baby today. Audrina (isn't that a beautiful name?) was born on March 25. I held the baby, cuddled her and played with her tiny feet (I LOVE me some baby feet), hugged the mama and told her how beautiful the baby is.

And now that I think about it, I don't think this particular mama is one of the ones I'm writing this post about. She may not be married, but she is with the baby's father, he has a job, and she has finished school. (Baby daddy wasn't as successful with us.)

Teen girls get pregnant all the time (it seems more so in our county than other parts of the state, but I'm probably wrong about that), and it has become okay. We take care of them, make sure they get the care they need, steer them in the right direction to getting the social services they need, allow them flexibility in scheduling when they need to be out to have the baby or to take care of it.

Some of them have come to expect that. PROUD grandparents assist in the caretaking, even babysitting while mama and daddy go to the prom or to a football game. We coo and kiss the babies, telling the mamas how precious their babies are, ask how they are doing, fight over who is going to hold the baby. I'm as guilty as anyone else.

There is no stigma to having a baby in high school anymore.

But I don't know what the answer is. When I was in school, a girl either "went to live with relatives" or she "had" to get married. A girl who got pregnant was no longer included socially, even if she tried, which most didn't. The times have changed drastically, and I don't know that we aren't doing these teen moms a disservice. I don't mean we should turn our backs on them, but it has become waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy for some of them to depend upon society to take care of them. And their babies. We currently have a student who came to us because she had a young son and needed the flexibility we offered so she could graduate and take care of him. Oh yeah, and she's pregnant again, due in July. We dutifully fill out her paperwork so she can get assistance, I allow her to print out applications so her baby daddy can apply to technical school, we talk about due dates and heartburn and whether or not belly bands are helpful (I don't know - never had one).

Some schools have daycare for babies of teen moms, and that's an extension of the conflict I feel. By offering daycare we make it possible for the moms to finish their education and hope that it gives them an opportunity to go beyond high school, or at least gain the skills they need to take care of their children. But I'm afraid we also send the message that it's okay. Go ahead....get pregnant as a teenager, LOTS of people will take care of you.

I know when I had Sweet Girl, I had NO IDEA what I was doing. And I was married, college educated, had a full-time job, and she was PLANNED. It still was a crap shoot on any given day whether or not I would do something that would maim her for life. (She might argue that I did that MANY times.) I had lots of support from my mother and my sisters, but I am STILL amazed that Sweet Girl survived her childhood relatively unscathed.

And these girls? Some of them don't have a clue. They have no idea what happens when the baby stops being cute and cuddly and starts talking back. They are blissfully unaware of how nightmarish the toddler years can be. And I would be horrified at the idea of some of them helping their children with their homework.

I don't know where I'm going with this. There is no solution. They're not going to stop having sex just because we stop accepting them and taking care of their children. As long as they get acceptance from their parents, grandparents, social workers, and us - the TEACHERS WHO HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TEACH THEM BETTER ALL THEIR LIVES - they're going to keep having babies.

And going to the prom.

I Don't Get Some People......

Yesterday we interviewed a young lady for our program who wants to leave the traditional school and come to us. That's not unusual, because most of our students come to us because the traditional environment doesn't meet their needs, they are not into the social scene, or they just want to focus on getting credits and they don't "do" school.

I especially like the ones who come to us and say they can't stand school because of people. And teachers. We like to say, "We are teachers. And we have people."

But I digress.

This young lady is beautiful, as is her mother. Parents don't always come to interviews, and sometimes we wish they wouldn't. This one wasn't a pain, though, so it was okay. I was thinking she was very real.

Maybe not.

The young girl is very well spoken, her grades are excellent, she's a cheerleader, she has never given her parents a moment's worth of trouble, and she's very smart. Except for one thing.

She's due in January.

I don't condemn the girl for getting pregnant. I realize it happens all the time and teenage girls think their options are limited to becoming mommies.

What disturbed me was that the mother and the girl were both dismayed when we explained to them that students don't typically come to us just for a short period and then go back to their home high schools. They stay with us all the way to graduation so we don't becoming a revolving door. The girl began to cry, and her mother said, "I just want her to go back to her high school and have a normal senior year and be able to cheer again."

Excuse me?

Has no one explained to the daughter (hell to the MOTHER?) that her definition of NORMAL has changed forever? Do we really want to encourage young mothers to return to typical high school activities like cheerleading?

I realize we can't discriminate against the girl because she got pregnant, and if she makes the squad after giving birth, I guess she has every right to cheer.

I guess what bothers me is that she WANTS to. She didn't mention childcare or health insurance or midnight feedings or children's illnesses or any of those other things that would scare the bejeezus out of me if I were having a child right now. She wants to cheer.

Sweet Girl, a million thank yous again today for not putting me in that position.

Have I officially become a fuddy-duddy? Cold-hearted? Come on, you can be honest with me.

It's All About the Mamas......

I'm a little slow, but I came to a sudden realization today.

One of our students from last year came by today with her mother and her new baby, a precious, tiny girl who was born...... SATURDAY! I couldn't even WALK four days after giving birth. But that's a story for another day.

One of my co-workers pointed out that the mother/grandmother must be out of her mind, bringing a four-day old baby into a school. Schools are notorious for being rife with germs.

As the grandmother proudly toted the baby carrier down the hall beside her unmarried and only recently graduated daughter, it struck me that the mothers may be part of the reason that these teenage girls keep having babies. It gives THEM a purpose.

I've seen it time and time again, so I don't know why it only occurred to me today. Maybe I'm MORE than a little slow.

If that had been me, my mother would have HAD to be the one carrying the baby, because I would have had a hard time walking with her foot up my backside. And two broken kneecaps. I was afraid to tell my mother when I DID get pregnant. And I was married. With a job. And the pregnancy was planned. On purpose. Even that didn't mean I knew what the hell I was getting into.

I'm not saying the mothers ought to kick their pregnant daughters to the curb or anything. But when they stand by and beam proudly [and take on many of the child-rearing rearing responsibilities], what message do the teenagers get?

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Perhaps approaching fuddy-duddy stage.