If Only I Could Teach Them Irony.....

Because our students use a mostly computerized curriculum, for some reason they think they can get away with some things. Perhaps these are the same students who would try to get away with the SAME things in the traditional environment; I don't know.

The English portion of our curriculum is pretty rigorous. It requires a lot of reading, some grammar, and anywhere from 4 to 7 essays, depending on the level. The essay topics are explained in detail, students are given the chance to do pre-writing (they rarely do), and the essays are graded in less than 15 seconds by artificial intelligence.

I'm fascinated by the whole artificial intelligence thing. [Insert joke about many of my students here.] I was concerned at first that the computer program would grade too leniently, but it actually grades much harder than I think I would. Of course, it doesn't have the advantage of knowing the students' abilities, their future plans, and their previous successes (or lack thereof). Perhaps it would be better if I didn't know those things either.

One thing that dismays me (is that a verb?) about the program is that it grades heavily on word count. The essays are required to be at least 300 words in length, and an essay of 400 words that are not as well organized as 307 words will receive a higher grade. Luckily, I have the power to go in and change the grades as I see fit. This usually happens only when a student who actually CARES about his or her grade receives something like a 72 on an essay that he or she spent countless minutes ... 20 maybe ... writing. Sometimes I agree with the computer's grade; sometimes I don't. I will only change the grade UP. If I think the essay needs some work, I point out to the student where he or she could gain some extra points and recommend editing.

Some students just want to be DONE with the essays, and they are more than willing to accept failing grades for them. That is not an option. Before I will mark their courses "complete," they must have received a 70% average over all the essays. This way they may get away with one failing grade on an essay, but the rest must be above average. I realize not all of them are stellar writers, but there is always room for improvement. Even if they don't give two rats' fannies about Ralph Waldo Emerson's attitude toward nature in an essay brilliantly entitled "Nature." (Really? That's the best you could do, Ralph? Or do you go by Waldo, and that's why you wrote that stuff in the first place?)

Another thing I like about this magical program is that it is (in some cases) smarter than the students think it is. One of my students, a young man who will probably never be required to write another essay in his life, finished the course last week and said the computer had given him a zero for one of his essays because it was "too off topic." That happens occasionally, and if I think the student has approached the topic and written a decent enough essay, I will award a grade accordingly. It requires that I go into his course and look at the essays individually, and I don't mind doing so.

When I checked this young man's essay in question, I knew we were in trouble as soon as I came across the word "ethical." (See what I mean about irony?) Picture this student, a young man who will go to his grave insisting it is his constitutional right to carry smokeless tobacco in his back pocket at school and would rather be driving a tractor than writing an essay. Here is the first part of his essay. The topic was to write about how sometimes bad things can lead to good.

Long ago, I realized that having some sort of ethical system requried that one sort every possible thing in the world into the approved of and the not approved of, or the desired and not desired, or the good and the evil. Having been able to pick a particular moral scheme myself, and not having missed out on the childhood directioning lessons.

They are always amazed at how quickly I can find the same essays on the internet that it took them 15 minutes to copy and paste. We have actually suspended students for this infraction, but that would be a reward for this student. Besides, he is so close to being finished that it would be meaningless to suspend him. I did, however, share it with my principal, and she's the one who pointed out the irony in his writing. 

At least now I have a real-life example I can use the next time one of my students asks, "What is irony?" 

Exhibit A.....

Your Honor:

You have called me before you today to justify my retirement from the teaching profession at the age of 51. I'm not tired, I'm not burnt out (most days), I'm not sick, and I'm not that old. You (and others) have asked why I would hang it up after a mere 26 years. In support of my long-thought-out-and-not-hasty-at-all decision, I offer the following evidence. We'll call it Exhibit A.

This essay was submitted by one of my students and not contrived or edited in any way (not even to remove the italics, which makes me twitch just a little bit). The writing prompt asked students to read Jack London's eye witness account of the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 and analyze his use of descriptive language. I always point students to the specific examples of words and phrases like "conflagration" and a "lurid tower of smoke...seen from 100 miles away" to get them started. I instruct them to look for other words and phrases, especially extreme ones, that help paint the picture of San Francisco's devastation.

The young man who wrote this essay was sincerely trying to complete the assignment. This is not an attempt to be a smart-ass or write some drivel just to complete the essay. He wanted to do well. He is a senior with only a few courses remaining before graduation. And this is Exhibit A:

San Francisco that was a earthquake and there was a eye witness that actually stayed there and he seen it all happen, he even seen it happen when the people where stay there and they could tell what was going on,

he was standing there he could see that people standing there looking and hearing people trying to find out what the smell was and didn’t anyone know but something came to him and said him exactly what the smell was, right off the back did he new it was and earthquake. 

He said that he had seen smoke of as you have never seen, right then in my head ii can tell that I was really into t. and the smoke in the buildings was really smoking so I could see it in my head. 

The next day the earthquake had happen and it was one of the worse earthquakes that you have never seen as if people crying and everything so as I kept reading it I could seen people running and not even thinking that this could be there last breath in the dark black smoke as you have never seen.

Wednesday had came and you could see the destruction of the city and you could understand the thing of the building g and the skyscrapers, you didn’t see a women that had been crying and you didn’t se a man that had been sad because it seemed as if  everybody had new it was coming built it seem that didn’t know one no about the earthquake the few day ago. 

There was millions of dollars things that was destroyed and place that were going never be a lot because of the money in that town

 People will never forget this day as it comes again next year  you could see people running from the fire and the destruction of the town, it was something as you could never seen and that some people didn’t know what was going happen.

The next day you could see people leave that town destruction because there was nothing else there for them to stay there for as were many people dead as well and many people lost there kids and a lot of things. This story was one of the saddest stories I j have ever read. and it seem to be the first the I ever read about and earthquake. 

Where do I start in trying to show this young man the error of his ways? How did he get this far in his high school matriculation and not be able to write any better than this? 

In addition to passing his courses, he also must pass our state's standardized writing test. I know, right? And they want to base teachers' salaries on how well students do on tests like those. When they write like this.

So to answer your question...

...it's either retire or slit my wrists.