It Was Supposed to Be a Day of Rest.....

I planned my weekend so that today, when the weather turned bitterly cold, I wouldn't have to leave the house at all. (I thought.) Hubby and I did our chores and shopping yesterday so all we would be required to do today was watch football. I so looked forward to sleeping in.

And I did sleep in. All the way to 4:41 AM.

I don't know if what I've been battling is a cold or just a manifestation of my vasomotor junk. I've alternately had the sniffles and been congested for going on two weeks now. I don't really FEEL bad. I just can't breathe. Because I sleep with a CPAP machine and a mask over my face, it's slightly alarming to wake up and realize I might be suffocating even while air is trying to force its way into my nostrils.

Sorry for the graphic image.

Now really, when we are created as zygotes or whatever we start out as, I realize we can't have everything. We can't have good looks, brains, good fortune, amazing talent, and a sunny disposition. I don't spend a lot of time lamenting the fact that I got short-changed in the looks department. I figure my intelligence balances that out and is much more useful. So I got the brains and the sunny disposition.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Really, though, would it be asking too much to have brains AND be able to breathe?

I had a deviated septum when I was in my early 20's (as do about 98% of the people in the world, I'm convinced), and I had it fixed. It was very convenient that the doctor was able to do plastic surgery at the same time and have it all covered under insurance. I'm betting he wouldn't be able to get away with that these days. After the surgery I fully expected to feel like a brand new person, filling my lungs with air as I never had before.

Yeah, that didn't happen. When the swelling finally went down THREE MONTHS LATER, I was pretty much the same as before. I went to the same doctor many times over the years because I was prone to sinus infections and strep throat. On one visit he sort of sat back with his hands on his knees and said, "I don't know HOW you breathe. I've done all I can."

Thanks, Doc.

When I went to be tested to see if I had sleep apnea, a different doctor examined me and said I have a hole in my septum. It wasn't clear to me if the hole was there BEFORE the surgery, or if it was a RESULT of the surgery. I didn't ask, because it really doesn't matter. He did tell me that it was too risky to try to repair it, that I might end up worse off than I am now.

THAT'S hard to picture.

I heard from several people who were diagnosed with sleep apnea that their lives changed completely after they started sleeping with the CPAP machine. They slept better, so they had more energy, so they felt like exercising more, so they lost like 30 pounds, and they were just all around happier people.

Either they lied, or I'm a nay-sayer.

I was already pretty active when I started using the CPAP machine, so I didn't notice an increase in energy. It didn't make me a happier person, particularly when I saw how that damn mask looked. The only benefit I can really tell from using the machine is that I don't snore, and I don't wake up feeling like I'm choking to death. Most of the time. It sometimes makes my face itch, though, and I sometimes have to adjust the mask several times during the night because it has slipped and an air leak has developed. I don't wake up choking, but I wake up. So this is better HOW? Oh yeah..... Hubby doesn't have to listen to me snore. He always said it didn't bother him, but I think he was just being sweet.

On RAGBRAI once, a guy in another TENT scowled at me early one morning and said, "You snore!" Thanks for starting my day off on just the right note, Earl. Do you think I don't KNOW I snore? Do you think I'm not HUMILIATED by that fact? Do you think I would snore if I HAD ANY CHOICE ABOUT IT? And now I have to go ride my bicycle 80 miles on very little sleep, with the added burden of worrying ALL DAY LONG that tonight I might disturb someone else's sleep. (On RAGBRAI it's simply not an option to pitch one's tent any distance from the others. Trust me on that one.) I found myself actually trying not to go to sleep at night. I would try valiantly not to go to sleep, and then I would startle myself awake snoring, embarrassed and afraid I was disturbing others. Then I would get up and go ride my bicycle another 60 to 80 miles. What an exhausting week.

Where was I going with this?

I don't remember. It HAS been a good day, in spite of the fact that I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to. I have been able to quilt, play video games, read, and watch football (yay Falcons!). We did have to leave the house to go pick up some prescriptions for my mother-in-law because my sorry-ass sister-in-law couldn't be bothered to do it. Or she was too hung over to accomplish it, I'm not sure which. But I cooked some comfort food for dinner (pinto beans, and NOT out of a can, cornbread [from scratch], and fried okra), and we have plenty of firewood. Oh, and I finally put up the Christmas tree.

But damn it all, I forgot to take a nap. When I got up at 4:41 this morning, I told myself at least it was Sunday and I could take an afternoon nap.

Can I have a do over?

It's Only Money......

Flying to Florida from my home in North Georgia takes approximately the same amount of time, all told, as driving to Florida. But there's no first class (excuse me....BUSINESS class) when I drive, and no one brings me a free beer. Or two. It didn't HAVE to take that long. I just tend to leave home a whole lot earlier than I need to when I fly out of Atlanta. You never know what's going to come up.

What sort of almost came up this time was a learning experience for me. Apparently if you fly with a CPAP machine, they want you to take it out and put it in the bins with your cell phone, change, keys, belt, shoes, and laptop. What they do NOT want you to do is pack it on the bottom of your bookbag and pack four days' worth of clothes on top of it for padding. It was quite embarrassing to see the grumpy security worker unpack all of my clothes ... underwear included ... to get to the CPAP machine. And then he had to take the machine over and CHECK THE MOTOR on it. Because clearly, any terrorist worth his salt will choose a 49-minute flight from Atlanta to Jacksonville to blow up, and he will use a CPAP machine to accomplish his pernicious act. It's embarrassing enough for everyone in the security line to know I have to sleep with the aid of a machine. There shouldn't be any shame in it, but still....

I know you don't get jet lag from a 49-minute flight, but I'm tired. Time for bed.

Is it asking too much just to be able to breathe normally? I mean really?

I can't believe I'm posting this picture. This is the CPAP machine I have to be hooked up to at night to deal with my sleep apnea. I knew I snored, but I really didn't think I had sleep apnea. But I did the sleep study (two nights of hell) anyway just so I could prove them wrong. The first night was to determine the level of my apnea. I didn't think I slept enough to give them any information, but I was wrong (most people who do the study usually think the same thing, evidently). I thought I heard every word the lab technicians uttered all night long, and they were in the other room. I felt like I was awake more than I was asleep. Anyway, the report said that I stopped breathing 43 times.......PER HOUR. My oxygen level was somewhere around 80-something%, and optimal is above 95% (I think). So the doctor recommended a CPAP machine (continuous positive air pressure), and I spent yet another night in the hospital in the sleep lab so they could determine the proper setting for my machine.

I talked to several people who had used a CPAP machine, and they all sang its praises. "Oh, you won't believe how much better you'll feel." "You'll just have so much more energy, you won't believe it." "I lost 30 pounds after I started using it." Yeah, right. One guy sent word through hubby that I would have to give it 2-3 months before I would start seeing the benefits, but it was worth it.

It's been 7 months, and I still hate it. I don't feel any increased energy (although I would like to think my energy level was already pretty high before I started using it). I haven't lost any weight. I don't snore or stop breathing, and I guess that's a good thing at least. I don't stop breathing because it's hard to do with a gale-force wind being forced through my nose. And I don't snore because if I open my mouth, a tornado issues forth due to the forced air.

When we go to bed, I wait for hubby to fall asleep before I even put it on. I don't want him to see me with it on. Talk about a romance killer....... I mean, can you imagine rolling over and looking at THAT? I think it also hurts my psyche because I associate snoring with men, and women aren't supposed to have such unglamorous problems. The indignity of it all! I'm pretty sure that some of my breathing problems are weight-related, and you would think that would inspire me to lose some weight. Not all of them, though. I inherited my father's breathing problems, and you could hear him breathing in the next county.

I had surgery when I was about 20 to correct a deviated septum, and the doc did plastic surgery at the same time. (I had a slight hump in my nose that wasn't hideous, but as long as he was gonna be in there anyway...... It was called a septorhinoplasty just in case you ever get that question on Jeopardy.) I went to this same doctor multiple times through the years for sinus infections and once an abscess behind my nose (whatever is located there). On one of my many visits to his office, he slumped his shoulders, sighed, and said, "I've done all I can for you. I don't know HOW you breathe."

The doctor who sent me for the sleep studies and recommended the CPAP told me I have a hole in my septum. (That's the membrane that runs down the middle of your nose, separating it into the two sections that I'm sure have a medical name.) He didn't say whether the hole was a result of an error in the earlier surgery or just something that happened over time anyway. That explains why I sometimes whistle when I breathe. He said it wasn't feasible to try to fix it, because the chances of success were small and he might actually end up making it worse.

I also have allergies that aren't allergies. I was tested, and there was nothing that I was allergic to. The lab technician said it was classified as a "vasomotor rhinitis." That's one of those good-news-bad-news situations. The good news is that there's nothing I have to avoid that might trigger one of these flare-ups. (I call it my head blowing up.) The bad news is there's nothing I CAN avoid. It's sort of like being allergic to myself. Over-the-counter allergy medications help some, but I still have flare-ups and fits of sneezing, and I sometimes look like I've either been drunk for three days or crying for three hours. I think my record was one morning when I sneezed 18 times while I was getting ready for work.

All of this leads me back to my original question: Is it asking too much just to be able to breathe normally? I don't mind taking the allergy medicine every day (along with blood pressure medication, potassium, an aspirin, and a vitamin), but wearing that thing at night really hurts my pride. When we took a cruise out of LA this past spring, I wouldn't even take the CPAP machine with me. It has its own suitcase, too big to go inside another suitcase. And I didn't want to take it on the plane as a carry-on, because I didn't want to have to explain to anyone what it was. So I went without it for a week and just hoped that hubby would spend enough time at the pool bar every day that my snoring wouldn't bother him. He's always said it didn't bother him anyway (isn't that a sweet lie to tell?), but it bothers ME.

In my next life I want to come back as someone who can just breathe normally without drugs, surgery, or a machine. I'll probably come back as an elephant with sleep apnea, allergies, AND vasomotor rhinitis.