The Wii Bitch.....

And I don't mean "wee" as in small, I mean the Wii bitch who speaks every time I step on the balance board for the Wii Fit.

I love my Wii Fit, don't get me wrong. I mostly love the balance games. I love hitting the soccer balls with my head, and I have mostly learned to duck from the shoes. [I always think of a particular student of mine who plays soccer when those shoes come flying at my head.] I think it's highly unfair, however, that they also throw what appear to be stuffed panda bear heads at me. Those look remarkably like soccer balls. I think I got three of them in a row right to the face today.

I love the tilt game where you guide the balls that look disturbingly like people's heads into holes on the platform, and I love the slalom skiing. I don't particularly like the ski jump, because my character more often than not goes tumbling down the slope much like the guy on the old NBC commercials, the one who was the picture of "the agony of defeat."

I also sort of like the aerobics, but since you're not supposed to wear tennis shoes or even socks or jump on the balance board, the movements are pretty basic. I HATE and DETEST the hoola hoop game. If I had a waist that would permit me to hoola hoop, I wouldn't NEED the damn Wii Fit.

Before you ever get to any of the fun stuff, however, you typically have to go through a "body test." Now if I thought I could pass anyone's test of my body in the first place, I wouldn't NEED the damn Wii Fit.

There's a cute little cartoon character (called a Mii) and a cute little cartoon character voice. That sounds sooooooooooooo sweet. Until you step on the balance board, when it says this:





"Ooohhhh!"????? What the hell is THAT all about?

And if that isn't enough, your little Mii starts out tall and skinny, but as your weight goes up, the Mii character gets shorter (at least mine does) and rounder. She looks down at herself in total shock and disgust, and then she says this:




Obviously the Mii character in this video is not the one I created for myself. I wasn't going to drag the balance board out again at this time of night, so I stole someone else's off the internet. the expression on this Mii's face, though, is just how I feel when the voice tells me AGAIN that I'm obese.

Isn't this supposed to be a motivational tool? Couldn't she say something a little nicer, like "Glad you're here and not sitting on the couch?" Or maybe, "Gee, you look a little sweaty. Could it be perhaps because you just got off a 45-minute session on the elliptical?" Or perhaps, "It's awesome that since December 30, you have missed only two days of exercise. And some days you exercised twice. On a couple of occasions you rode a bicycle for three hours or more. Way to go!"

No, she has to be all up in my face about being obese.

Games are supposed to be fun. F-U-N. Games are not supposed to make me want to kick someone's animated little teeth in.

Or damage my fragile self-esteem.