Did He Say.....Warrant?.......

Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with a blog topic. Part of the reason is that I sometimes wait until it's time to go to bed, and then I go into a panic, knowing I can't go to bed until I write something. And it's hard to write something witty, clever, urbane, intelligent, poignant, thought-provoking, or even relevant with a 15-minute deadline.

And then sometimes my cell phone rings in the middle of the day, and a blog entry just happens.

Like today, right before lunch.

I didn't recognize the number, and normally I wouldn't answer my cell during the school day, because it's usually a student from my online course. Since we were going to lunch anyway, however, I answered it.

Me: Hello?

Man: Jackie?

Me: Ummm...no.

Man: I need to speak to Jackie ________. [Not really sure what last name he said, but it sounded like the wife of our recently retired sheriff, and I doubt that's who he was really looking for. She's also the principal of an elementary school. That has nothing to do with this story, but it makes the blog entry look longer. And somehow more important.]

Me: You have the wrong number.

Man: Okay, I'll just get my warrant.

**Click**

Did he say "warrant"? Is there anything else he could have said that sounds like "warrant" but is something else?

Can I be arrested for being the wrong number?

I don't know if it's the teacher, the mother, or the freak in me, but I wanted to fix this situation. I wanted to call the number back and say, "Listen, dude, Jackie really, really isn't here, and I'm sure she (he?) will be glad to surrender. That warrant won't be necessary."

Then I wanted to call back and say, "What number were you TRYING to call?" Then I wanted to call the real Jackie and warn him/her to RUN LIKE HELL!!!! turn himself/herself in.

I have this psycho irrational fear that someone will show up at my door with a real warrant, since it is patently obvious that I am aiding and abetting some criminal named Jackie.

All of this could have been avoided had I simply let the call go to voicemail. THE MAN would have heard my newly recorded greeting, clearly stating my name that is NOTHING like Jackie, and he would have realized that he had the wrong number. Then he could have called the CORRECT number, he could have had a calm, logical conversation with Jackie, and they could have worked out their differences.

As it is, I'm afraid that Jackie is just going about her (I'm convinced it's a "her," otherwise, why would he have thought I was Jackie?") routine, minding her own business, and when she goes to pick up her dry cleaning one afternoon, she's going to hear, "FREEZE! POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!" and she will have to decide whether to throw her clean clothes on the ground or get shot. I hope she makes the right decision. Dry cleaning is expensive.

The policeman or detective or whoever goes to arrest her is going to be all hostile and stuff, because if she had just taken the call instead of dodging him, they could have worked things out. He'll be all like, "You should have taken my call, Jackie" and she'll be all like, "Well you could have placed one, Dumb___" which will make things go generally downhill, mostly because I'm using the word "like."

If you call me in the next few days and get my voicemail, don't be offended. Just leave a message. And if you see Jackie, please tell her....

Never mind. I'll let you and Jackie decide on the proper course of action.

Would You Like to Hear Our Specials?...........

Our telephone number is the same as one of our local pizza joints, only ours is 4-1-3-1 where theirs is 3-1-4-1, so we take their calls all the time. We are most likely to get pizza calls on the weekend (duh), when it's raining, and during the Super Bowl.

The three rational people in our county realize their mistake immediately and apologize. I'm okay with them. Even though some of them do it REPEATEDLY. As in WEEKLY.

It's the rest of the bastards careless citizens who annoy me.

[Can you tell I just learned how to strike through text in HTML? Hmmmm?]

Many of them just hang up as soon as I say, "Hello?" They have to know that I have caller ID, and if I don't know who they are, I at least have their phone numbers. I have been tempted, particularly when one hangs up long after my bedtime, to call them back when I get up the next morning. "Did you enjoy your pizza? Anchovies? Pepperoni? Thin crust or hand-tossed? Heartburn this morning? Did you get the free sodas that came with it? How about the garlic butter, did you like that?"

Then there are the ones who are completely OBLIVIOUS of the fact that I answered the phone with "Hello?" and not "Mazzios". Sometimes they proceed to order anyway.

Depending upon my level of bitchiness mood, one of the following conversations may or may not take place. Both of these actually have happened.

Me: Hello?

Caller: You got any pizza? [Aside: Now isn't that an asinine question to ask if you ARE calling the pizza joint?]

Me: No.

Caller: Well, when you gonna have some?

Me: Oh, probably sometime next week.

Caller: But I want some pizza tonight!

Me: Then you should probably call the pizza place.



And on a different night:

Me: Hello? [Detect a pattern here? I usually answer the phone with "Hello".]

Caller (obviously a young person): Umm, yeah, I want to order a large pepperoni pizza.

Me: Okay. Is that all?

Caller: Yeah.

Me: All right, it'll be there in about 30 minutes.

Caller: Okay. [Hangs up]

About 5 minutes later, phone rings again. Caller ID displays same number as before.

Me: Hello?

Caller (obviously previous caller's mom): Can you cancel that last order?

Me: Not a problem.



On a couple of different occasions, our answering machine message has said:

"This is 555-0101. [Not our real number, obviously.] If you want to order a pizza, you have called the wrong number. If you would like to speak to one of us, please leave a message."

One caller apparently had a sense of humor, and he called TWICE. The second time he left a message that said, "I just had to call back and hear that again. I love that message!"

Hubby used to threaten to change our number, but he stubbornly refused to do it because in his words, "I've had that phone number for 36 years. They can change theirs!"

I don't think they mind us getting their calls.

Except for those rare occasions when I take an order. And then don't deliver the pizza.